An e-mail to Melissa and Tori, 12:27pm today.

“Memories are just where you leave them

Drag the waters, til the depths give up their dead…

What did you expect to find?

Was it something you left behind?

Don’t you remember anything I said

when I said

Don’t fall away and leave me to myself

Don’t fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands,

In my hands again

Leave love bleeding in my hands,

In my hands…

Love, love bleeding…”

-Hemorrhage, Fuel

I left the loft at 4:30am. I got to bed at 5am. I was crying when I fell asleep, I dreamt about him for five hours, and I was crying when I woke up but couldn’t quite figure out why for a glorious five or six seconds. Then reaction set in and I started shaking.

I promised myself - no hyperbole today in this message. Straight truth.

As I walked down the hallway of the loft building towards the front doors, I collapsed and wept. It is purely by the grace of God and nothing else that I got home alive. I couldn’t see the highway for most of the trip.

I haven’t felt this way since June, 1986, when Matt and I broke up. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?

“I’m going under

I’m suffocating

I’m drowning but I’m holding on

What keeps me breathing?

Don’t have an answer

I’m drowning but I won’t let go.

Away now … no way out.

Away now … no way out.“

-No Way Out, Stone Temple Pilots

I had to beg him to let me come to the loft. He didn’t want to talk to me. Too busy with music, he said. He was on his way to the loft and he’d been distracted three nights in a row. But I was already there. I told him it would take 10 minutes, and it wasn’t a problem he had to “solve” or “fix.” He just wanted me to tell him on the phone. I told him I was already at the loft and I’d see him when he got there.

*sigh*

I can’t relive this night right now. I just can’t.

I told him I had to walk away, that I loved him with my whole heart, and that I just can’t do this anymore. That I felt God was calling me to be healed, and that being with him is like perpetually picking at the scabs. I told him how hard it was for me. And just like I’d
envisioned, he said, “Okay. Okay. Okay.”

And I just wanted to die, right there. I looked around the loft and tried to memorize it. I tried to memorize how he looked, and smelled, and felt. He told me that he had no right to stand in the way of what God was leading me to do. He said that he realized the night before he had to let go… of his family, Jodi, his friends… He said he had peace. I said I had none.

I told him I’d been thinking about it all week. He said he knew. Maybe that’s why he didn’t want to see me…? Who knows.

I have made the ultimate sacrifice to God. Max says I’m “going out into the wilderness for a while.” (i.e. Elijah, John the Baptist). I am having a hard time seeing why I let last night happen right now. I don’t want to be in the wilderness. I want to be in the loft, with
Max, with him and his music. Where I belong.

I tried smoking myself to death last night, and it didn’t work. I’ve given consideration to drinking myself to death as well. Again, ambivalent.

Max eventually talked about Jodi. It was my big confirmation. He said they had the best talk of their entire relationship last night. I kept thinking I might have to run to the bathroom (literally, physically).

He told me that he basically disregarded what I said about Jodi last week, because he knows how I feel. That made me angry. We talked about that.

God is healing him and Jodi. I’m trying very hard to be happy for them. But to the extent in which I can’t - I need to get away from it.

I hope they get engaged soon. Max talked about how he was afraid of commitment, and that he’d figured something out during their talk. I hope he marries her and they live happily ever after. Soon. Right now.

I can’t do this right now. I can’t keep sitting here and crying in the middle of [work].

“She cries that life is like

some movie, black and white

Dead actors, vacant lies

Over and over and over again she cries”

-Hemorrhage, Fuel

I told him that I’d never done this before. He said he knew. I wanted him to be upset, cry, show that it mattered, that I mattered. He didn’t. He let me walk away. He told me how I could get his things back to him. He let me leave.

When I asked him, he said of course he’d miss me. But I had to do what I was led to do.

He did ask me to pray about it some more.

But it’s really true. Like I already knew. He loves Jodi, and that’s that. Same as always.

I don’t understand why it has to be this way. Truly, I don’t understand why it’s never me.

“leading everything along

never far from being wrong

nevermind these things at all

      it’s nothing

couldn’t find a way to you

seems that’s all I ever do

turning up in black and blue

      rewarded

all the static we all left

wait until the time has come

figure that’s where time comes from

leaving all my senses numb

      is heaven

lifted up the fay to seen

anything could never be

anything but play to me

      in order

all the static we all left

take it back for them to keep

fallen into something deep

not that I had made that leap

      annointed

all the static we all left

where have all the wishes gone

now that all of that is done

wish I would’ve felt I’ve won

      …for once…”

-X-Static, Foo Fighters

I hate this. I hurt. I can’t make that last sentence show any extent of my wounds. I’m bleeding to death. I can’t do this. I gave up Max, my love, my friend, my soulmate, music, recording, my dreams, using my gifts. I took it with both hands and threw it away. Nothing will ever be the same.

“And I wanted

But you turned away

You don’t remember

But I do…

You never even tried…”

-Hemorrhage, Fuel

I can’t, CAN’T keep talking about this. I’m dying inside. I’m shedding more tears than I thought possible. My eyes will be permanently swollen.

Please, please, Mel, take care of him. Listen to him when he needs to talk, understand him when he gets frustrated and emotional, don’t allow him to shut down. Keep him working on music. Don’t let him get sidetracked. Pray for him. Reassure him. Love him for me. Please love him for me.

“help me

i broke apart my insides

help me

i’ve got no soul to sell

help me

the only thing that works for me

help me get away from myself

…

you can have my isolation

you can have the hate that it brings

you can have my absence of faith

you can have my everything

help me

tear down my reason

help me

it’s your sex i can smell

help me

you make me perfect

help me become somebody else”

-Closer, Nine Inch Nails

Dying,

michelle