I find it utterly fucking amazing that I experience my first trauma off vacation after being in St. Louis an incredible SIX hours. I am a trauma magnet.

Called Max last night while downloading my e-mail. He says, hey, come on down to the loft! So, because I missed him like crazy the whole week I was gone, I said, SURE! And off I went. At 2:30am.

The details are so raw, so bloody, I can’t even go into it. Let’s just say, we got real fucking honest with each other this morning. And I’m still reeling from it.

After being awake an amazing 31 straight hours, I finally wrote Tori about it. And I wept and wept. Picture a plate of glass - of tiny hope. Picture taking a sledgehammer to it. With one mighty blow, I am spinning out of control and I’m sick and can’t stop. No, no, NO! DAMMIT!

I can’t even write about this. I need to let other people. I can’t. Not right now.

“He and she, two different people

With two separate lives

Then you put the two together

And get a spectacular surprise

‘Cause one can teach the other one

What she doesn’t know

While still the other fills a place inside

He never knew had room to grow…”

“You see, it’s hard to face

The addict that’s inside me

I want to fill my glass up with you constantly

I’ve been here before

But I’ve never ever felt this sure

And now I know I’ve been dreaming

And your actions have inspired me, so…

Let’s end it on this

Give me one last kiss

Let’s end it on this…”

“You take me in

no questions asked

You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me

Are you an angel?

Am I already that gone?

I only hope that I won’t disappoint you

when I’m down here on my knees

And sweet, sweet surrender

is all I have to give…”

“Will we burn in heaven

Like we do down here?

Will a change come while we’re waiting?

Everyone is waiting…”

Fallen,

m.