I am fighting right now as to how much of my soul I really want to bare tonight.

It would really be easier to talk about how I studied at the loft for only 10.5 hours today. How I forgot my lunch and starved to death, praying that someone would call me and I could talk them into feeding me. Being lonely and glancing at my cell phone every five minutes, willing it to ring. It did not.

Or I could talk about how I was on my favorite radio station, The Point, twice today, once to request the Foo Fighters, and once to get registered for a trip to Miami to see the Foo Fighters. (I think I’ll know tonight if I win.)

Too much is going on in my head. That’s the danger of spending ten straight hours alone with yourself. Too much to think about.

When I was in Punta Cana, I had so much peace. It was like for the first time I could hear God on the breeze - I could see him in the waves. He was almost tangible and I felt comforted, and safe.

Once I landed in St. Louis, I felt oppressed and stressed. Immediately. I am starting to wish I lived somewhere else. Anywhere.

Lately, generally against my own free will, I am learning a lot about “Metatron.” It’s some “watery-yet-intoxicating cocktail” of truth and fiction… new age God or something. Anyway, I read on a web site [that I don’t feel any particular urge to share] that St. Louis is the “gate to the new garden of Eden.” Max’s theory is that it’s because of the Genome project going on here. Genetic engineering garbage that God never intended.

Generally I don’t worry myself with Revelation, (um, the book) but lately I’ve been thinking that my view of God and his way of things is incomplete without a better understanding of it. But that’s the trouble with Revelation. It’s such an imagery-filled book that it seems for every person who’s read it there’s another theory about it. So I’ve just basically spent the last three years trying to ignore both the book and everyone else. I’d decided to just wait til I hear the trumpet sound, and I’d be off.

Strangely enough, though, I’m starting to see that warriors don’t actively pick their nose and wait for the end of the battle. Even though I know the end of the story - Who wins and who loses - finally - there is still a story to be told in the meantime. And I’m involved in it - I’ve been dragged in kicking and screaming. But I’m in the thick of it.

Not sure what to make of all this, though. Sometimes I read what I write from an objective perspective and realize that many people will think I’m just a little off. Well. Maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s the point.

I am frustrated that at the moment I spend nearly every waking minute studying (22.5 hours in 2 days) - I don’t seem to have a minute to myself to do a study of Revelation any justice. I’d like to finish the “Left Behind” series by Tim LaHaye and then do a little research on all the theories. Or, just chuck the theories and read it for myself and pray for answers.

I’m still a little baffled as to why this is suddenly a big deal when I’ve lived for nearly three years not really caring about Revelation.

Something else weighing on my heart as of late: In distancing yourself from a difficult situation, can you actually anesthetize your heart? How do you remain soft and open to people and love, yet guarded? That’s the question I am dealing with, right now. The photos I see in the loft each time I raise my head from my books are starting to wear me down.

Still praying the same prayer,

michelle