“I’m always a little bit depressed, and should probably go to therapy, but that would ruin my career” - Trent Reznor

On the continuing saga of the pictures of the beautiful blonde, another noteworthy occurrence: Apparently, sometime in the middle of the night last night, the loft got straightened up. And the pictures are right back in front of my face. Lucky me.

Lots of things in my head tonight. The first is the fact that I think Trent Reznor is completely fascinating. He’s incredibly talented, but what fascinates me about him most is his take on the world. His lyrics are confronting and cutting. They are raw and unafraid. He is able to say “fuck you” ten ways from Sunday and add a bunch of sequences and it’s incredible. If I could meet anyone right now, just to chat, I’d have to say it would Trent.

Speaking of:

“god money’s not looking for the cure

god money’s not concerned about the sick among the pure

god money let’s go dancing on the backs of the bruised

god money’s not one to choose”

If anyone asks me why I’m leaving my church at the end of the month, I will just refer them to “Head Like a Hole.” That’s why I’m leaving. I’m tired of throwing pearls to [wealthy] swine.

Two more church services. Bryant, my favorite pastor in the world and one of my heroes, is leaving the church at the end of the month. So, tired of the lack of grace, community, and all the other things Jesus talked about, I am going to church tomorrow for the purposes of worshipping God and hearing Bryant. And I am wearing jeans and a sweater. And if anyone says anything, I might lose my mind right there in the sanctuary.

I’m in a very honest mood tonight. One of those “don’t call unless you want to hear it straight” kinda things.

At least, my own personal opinion on things.

I am sick to death of being attacked by the enemy. For real. I spent the majority of last night and today in my head. Arguing with “myself” over things… why am I not cute like her? Am I really as stupid as I feel with this studying crap? Why am I not thin and beautiful like her? Why am I not as fucking needy as her?

That just completely pisses me off. Not just the whole enemy thing. The whole neediness issue. Max and I are so much alike that we end up being attracted to people we can rescue and “save.” Unfortunately, the more they need us, the more we’re attracted. Fucking sick and twisted.

What I realized last Sunday morning, as I sat on the retro couch in the loft with tears streaming down my face, was that I’ve “outgrown” being so damned needy. I think about it, how I used to be, and I think there is no way I’m going back to that mentality. Nothing would make it worth it.

Yet to hear Max talk about Jodi, you’d think she was made of glass and couldn’t do a thing on her own. “She’s so hurt, Michelle. You don’t understand. Her family blah blah blah. Her sister blah blah blah. She is broke blah blah blah. She calls me freaking out blah blah blah…” I believed him til I met her. Give me a fucking break. It’s not neediness… “Why try to fix anything myself when I can just call Max?”

(I am being way too honest here. I’ll regret it at some point in the future, and probably pay for it too.)

And I look at him, and I look at her, and I just shake my head and get completely lividly frustrated at the utter fucking stupidity I see scattered everywhere. Last Sunday I actually got the guts to say something to him about it. He has officially been diagnosed (by me) with White Knight Syndrome.

He looked at me strangely at one point that morning, and said, “You don’t need me.” “What?” I said, a bit confused, as that really came out of nowhere, considering the topic of discussion had been the fast-dimming possibility of “the two of us.” “You don’t need me,” he repeated, and it sounded partially like a question, and partially like a statement of fact.

It hit me right at that moment. Quietly I said, “No, honey. I don’t need you. I don’t. But you need me to need you.”

A ton of bricks fell on my head. I felt so sick to my stomach. God had finally walked me through that nasty habit… looking for a man to “save” me from… you name it. My life, my money issues, my insecurity, etc. God has been teaching me who I am in Christ, and that I need to turn to Him first when I’m in need. Not that I’m no longer needy (oh, PLEASE) but that I need God. Not men. Not Max.

But Jodi needs Max. And Max needs Jodi to need him. And it’s just one sick and twisted fucking relationship. Yet I’ve had them all my life. I’m not really one to talk.

So all day today, (Jodi’s 24th birthday), I’ve been irritated by God’s timing. Sure, I thought, “fix” me right when I find a guy I’m in love with who actually wants me to be needy.

Does that sound as stupid as I think? But in my head it makes perfect sense. Why? Because the enemy wants me back. He wants me to be like Jodi, needy and “hurting” and all the other things that pull on Max’s heartstrings, so Max can remain in bondage to his White Knight Syndrome, and I can go back to where I started. And you know what?

No fucking way.

“Head like a hole

Black as your soul

I’d rather die

Than give you control”

What hurts like a bitch is sitting on the sidelines, watching Max run to “save” Jodi from all her problems all the time. Watching him become a member of the walking dead, exhausted from hours upon hours of paracounseling and bleeding himself dry for her. Watching him hurt for her, when really he should be telling her the same things he tells me… pray about it, take it to the Lord, don’t rely on me. But Jodi is the special case. Too weak, too frail, too hurt… Bullshit. He enables her to act that way, and she enables him to never realize what kind of relationship he could have. A relationship with a woman who relies on God for her needs. That is a partnership.

Last Sunday, I told Max that he was right. I don’t need him, but I enjoy him and I want to be with him. But I can live without him, because I only need Jesus, and I have Him. He looked at me in quiet wonderment and said that no one has ever said they “enjoy” him before. And I held his hands as my heart broke for him and told him I wished with all my heart that I was as fragile and needy as Jodi. But I couldn’t go back to that kind of life, and that I needed someone who could take my hand and walk with me through this life. I didn’t want someone who needed to act as “running back” and block everything that came my way in this life. He’d be off fighting too many battles for us to even enjoy each other’s company.

Case in point? He and Jodi, right now.

I told him I thought he was afraid of loving someone who didn’t need him to fix and “save” her. He sat quietly for a bit. Then, looking down at the coffee table, he agreed.

Yet he continues to live in that fucking bondage. Dammit.

“Bow down before the one you serve

You’re going to get what you deserve…”

Onto less completely heartbreaking subjects.

Spent the majority of the day reviewing my Series 7 garbage, and then took at 123-question review exam. That was fun. Can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday. My mom called while I was reviewing. Once she heard I was busy absorbing finance stuff yet again she asked, don’t they give you a day off? I laughed a little bitterly and said, sure, Easter will be my next day off.

At that point I realized that something needed to change in the way I was managing my life, because Easter is like eight weeks away, and if I keep up this pace, this stress, for one more week I’ll be easily on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Or hooked on alcohol or Xanax, two substances I’ve been back in the middle of lately. Although not at the same time, as my need to die has greatly tapered off to merely wanting to go Home.

So, in an effort to regain an emotionally-stable life, I am working tomorrow. Yes, I am breaking the Sabbath tomorrow. But Jesus says it was made for men, so… If I can get a chapter or two ahead, I will actually be able to see Justin this week. That would be a refreshing change. *sigh*

So much more to write about, so little time to sleep.

Down in it,

michelle