“…You can look for answers

But that ain’t fun

So get in the pit and try to love someone!”

I had dinner tonight with Michael, his little boy, and another little friend of theirs. I felt a little leary about the entire situation, but I should have known better. Michael’s sweet little boy gives his heart away easily.

Like father, like son.

By the end of the evening, I was laying on my stomach with an arm around the sweetie’s butt, and he wrapped his arm around my head and announced to his dad that I’m his friend.

I got kisses before bedtime, too.

Hee.

Watching him play with his friend made my heart hurt a little, though. During dinner they sat and mimicked each other, and I wished that Justin could have experienced this kind of “bonding” with another little one his size. I know Justin’s as happy as a clam how he is, but life is so much richer with relationships.

So my heart hurt for him.

I’m at a scary place in my life at this very minute. I look around and see everything going so well. The cynical part of me says Just Wait! Like perhaps the scene will solidify and freeze, and then some hammer will come flying at it and burst it into pieces.

Makes it hard to live in the Here and Now when you are waiting for it to all fall apart.

Mike and I were laying on his bed, semi-snoozing, and I sighed. He murmured, “Don’t overthink things.” I realized that I was tense and doing just that. I had to will certain parts of my body to relax - legs, arms, etc. The bed actually moved when I did.

I just look at him and think, what did I do to deserve someone like him? And when is the unexpected going to pop up?

Earlier, while he put the kids to bed, I took a drive around, ostensibly to refresh my nicotine levels, but I found myself using the time to analyze the inside of me. The smallest, quietest voice inside my head was whispering “if he gets any closer, he’ll see you” and I could feel the walls building up again. I sighed and reached for a tape.

I don’t want to do that anymore. Old patterns are no longer welcome in my world. In my life. I want Michael to be able to get as deep as he wants to, in his time and mine. But my timetable can no longer be set to “the sixth of never.” I know what it feels like to beat your head against someone’s brick wall. After a while, you have to give up.

So, then, in my circular thinking, would he just get tired and give up? But that’s not what I want! I don’t want him to even have to work hard at it. So how do I get these walls gone?

Defense mechanisms, as I’ve mentioned before, are garbage. And I just wonder what it is I think I’m saving myself from by using them.

The tape I grabbed was my Alt - Soft tape I’d created in July. I was looking for Foo Fighters’ “February Stars” and found Jars of Clay’s “Portrait of an Apology.”

“Can you stay for a while

(Try to imagine this)

Could you be for a while

(I can’t remember it)

Could you fall for a while

(I can’t escape from this)”

That song always touches something. And I’m not sure what it touched tonight. But it gave me the ability to take a deep breath and walk back into the house. It’s just aggravating that I didn’t get the door closed fast enough behind me. My suitcase filled with insecurities managed to sneak in with me! Oh, well.

As I drove home, I heard a song that I usually don’t listen to, but it struck a chord. Leave it to the Lord to use my love of music to speak to me. Not surprising at all. So I wanted to end tonight with my overwhelming emotion - one that makes it difficult to talk, so I’ll let someone else.

“I want to thank you

for giving me the best day of my life

And, oh, just to be with you

is giving me the best day of my life…”

Humbled,

michelle