I just want the world to slow down again, so I can take a breath and figure out what the fuck I’m doing.

Michael’s ex- dropped off Thomas this morning at Mike’s, and the little one took one look at me at the end of the hallway, opened his arms wide and ran down the hall as fast as he could, launching himself into my own open arms.

Holding him and laughing, I looked up and see Mike at the other end of the hallway, smiling. Too much is clicking way too soon.

As my car was at my house, we all piled into the CRV and headed for Dan’s. Justin was pretty excited to see Mike and Thomas, and as we all drove to my house it was pretty clear Thomas was excited too.

The grown-ups were desperate for naps, so we decided Mike and Thomas would stay at my house for nap time. This tickled Justin, who’s not really used to guests in the house, and we all settled down for our respective naps.

About three hours later Mike walked into my room as I was in the middle of yet another bizarre dream. I think I had a baby girl in this one. She and I were “magic” (as in Harry Potter’s magic) but there was a definite “magic” world and “normal” world. Certain things could not exist in both, but I was living two lives simultaneously, trying to keep everything together no matter where I was. My baby had two gerbils, two newts, and (I think) a cat or a puppy that all had to be transported wherever we went. Wandering between the two worlds had to be done on the Q.T., and I had to pack and carry the entirety of our worldly possessions as we travelled. I kept nearly getting caught, and feeling terribly guilty about the whole thing. The magic was pure and good, but the guises I had to come up with to keep the two lives going were incredibly hard.

[I have a feeling it wouldn’t be terribly hard to interpret that dream, but I really don’t want to right now. Don’t think I’ll like what I see.]

Thomas and Justin played together for a while, and Mike ran to the grocery store for me as I cleaned up and ordered pizza, etc etc…

When the boys got back my nerves were nearly calm. I realized how fortunate I was to be surrounded by such great guys. The kids were laughing and talking, and Mike and I sat across the table from each other, smiling.

Oh shit, I could get used to this.

Earlier in the day, I’d asked Mike where he wanted to move to when he sold his house later this year. He asked later this afternoon if I’d noticed that he didn’t answer the question. I said yes, and prompted him again.

He hugged me and told me he wanted to move someplace warm.

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand.

Now Mike and Thomas are gone, Justin’s in bed, and the house is silent except the constant hum of the computer’s fan and my fingers clicking on the keys. My eyes constantly bounce to the IM icon, and my tummy gently reminds me that it’s still a little unhappy. I think of practicalities, like heading back to the office tomorrow and actually working for a change, and receiving my checks to pay off my short-term debt from my second mortgage this week.

I also think of what it would take to sell a house, and what I’d do with all my clothes if I had to share closet space. Where I’d put my computer if my den had to become a bedroom. And why I’d want to give up my independence … coming and going as I please … not worrying about when I’ll be home except to let the dog out at reasonable intervals…

And then I drag myself back to reality and realize that perhaps I should just focus on getting more than four retirees to my Fixed Income Seminar on Thursday. First things first.

Right?

Twisted up,

michelle