I believe I’ve completely lost my heart.

No, not in the romantic, gushy sense of the phrase.

I’ve lost touch with it. Completely. Wow, talk about a remarkable case of dissociation.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”

“Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.”

“I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”

For the first time in my entire life, Jesus is more important than my love life. This time, there can be no questions. And I think this is all because this time it’s for real. The whole “worthy adversary” thing applies. There’s a nagging little piece of me missing when he’s not around. Not a huge one - nothing I couldn’t live without, if I had to.

At first I asked God, are You just making sure I can live without him? Well, that’s okay. I’ve learned my co-dependent lessons. No one is worth what I went through in 2001. No one is my energy source - but Jesus.

Then I asked God, is this a test of some sort? Are you checking to make sure it’s not just lip service? Okay, that’s fair, as my track record is less than stellar.

Now I look at Michael and realize it’s nothing as minimal as that. We’re battling for a soul here. The stakes have been upped.

I know the end of the story. I know the Rider on the White Horse and I know victory. But it’s all the small battles in between that make me heartsick. Like the battle for Mike.

Mike has the questions that stump me. Not that I can’t slowly and careful pick my way through them, but I think it’s just that it’s so fucking important to me that I just get emotional and paralyzed, thinking the next word out of my mouth could make or break everything. [Which I know is stupid anyway, because it’s not up to me. But I do have the ability to make the process a lot longer then it needs to be.]

He knows I might have to walk away. That’s been clear from day one. He respects that - he says. And I’m not trying to put some kind of huge amount pressure on him. But it ends up feeling like that, doesn’t it? Love my God or don’t love me.

Fuck.

I completely understand the point. How could Michael and I expect to be partners in a family with this in between us? I’d believe and he’d smile indulgently at my “fantasies”? Justin and I would say grace, and Mike and Thomas wouldn’t? Justin and I would go to church on Sunday, while Mike and Thomas sleep in? Eventually Jesus will become the sticking point instead of the focal point of the marriage.

Ugh. It makes me tired and empty to think of Jesus not being the focal point of a marriage.

So, I have lost my heart. It’s not inside my chest anymore. Self-protection of the most violent kind has kicked in, and I could actually get in my car and drive to … anywhere … right now and never come back and not care or miss anyone or anything.

Am I a medical miracle? “I’m sorry, ma’am, we went in to operate on your daughter’s heart, but … it was missing.”

When you’re impervious to pain you can do really stupid things. I’m watching the show again … It’s been a while since I’ve done this. I’m curious as to what I’ll do next.

Defenses in gear,

michelle