I found my heart today.

Oh yeah, I found it. Around 11:30am, when a huge bunch of red roses arrived at my office.

It was bleeding to death, just as I thought it might be. Reconnecting with it pretty much sucked.

I went to Lay Renewal Ministries (a Christian bookstore) and bought six or seven books on apologetics. After my hair cut (and color - ugh - more on that later) I ran them by Mike’s. He wasn’t home, but I left them on the kitchen table.

Fast forward.

Around 5pm I was reaching for my phone to call Mike when he called me. I thanked him for the roses, and told him I nearly broke up with him today. Yeah, I know, not really the smartest thing to say, but I told him I just couldn’t do it. Even though it hurts. He asked me to call him later, when I got home from going out tonight.

Audrey and I went to Morgan Street Brewery and split a bottle of wine. She’s just had an absolutely horrendous experience with a bible study leader, who I wanted to pound into the ground with my fists. She was stuck on that, upset about it nearly 24 hours later, when she knows the woman was full of shit (and I’d be happy to tell that to her fucking face, too.)

No amount of reassurance could get Aud’s mind off it, and by the end of dinner, her sensitive stomach, nerves, and Kendall Jackson chardonnay got the better of her.

We didn’t get to the bathroom in time.

Midnight I landed at Mike’s. I snuck in, as both boys were in bed, and went in and kissed him. There was very little response. He pointed out the obvious - that I’d been drinking - which irritated me.

Asked him how he was, and he said he’d been better, he’d been worse. Um, okay. He was still fighting a fever, which concerned me, but I didn’t say anything. I felt the walls he’d put up before I even commented on them for confirmation.

In the course of the short conversation, he told me that there was something huge between us, that for other people might be minor, but for us was huge. I agreed. I asked him about the books, and he asked me what Jesus I believed in, the one of the bible or the one of the books. That pissed me off. I told him the one of the bible. He asked me why I “needed” all the books then.

I told him they were helpful for another point of view, or pointing things out that my natural intelligence doesn’t perhaps note the first, second, or tenth read. He has an uncanny knack of asking questions so that even the most patient person would get completely pissed off. I think it’s a habit he’s practiced on his mother. He seems to get something out of getting her riled up. I’m not sure what. But I’m not his mother, and I was pissed.

I told him Jesus was the Way, the Truth and the Life, and the only way to God was through Him. He disagreed. At this point, I nearly heard something crack and fall to the ground. That’s just it. The lock on my heart turned closed, and the key became out of his reach.

At this point he had to go take care of Thomas, and I decided I’d go. Between his walls and the relatively insurmountable obstacle of my faith in our way, I knew it was over.

As I left his house, I heard “this is not for you” floating through my head. Yes, I know. This is not for me. It never is.

I jammed the key in the ignition, and what song came blasting out at me? “Blurry” by Puddle of Mudd, of course. It made my ears nearly bleed on the way home. When it ended, I changed radio stations, and there it was again. I screamed with frustration.

At home, I hit Eudora before I got my coat off. I aired my frustration and ended everything all at the same time.

I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t live two lives. That’s not what I’m called to do. God will bring someone who loves Jesus and me. He promises that he knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not harm me. This was getting harmful. No matter how sweet it tasted.

It was not for me.

No tears yet,

michelle