The first trip I made to Mike’s today went pretty much as expected. Terribly.

Thomas was there, and clambered up into my arms. He gave me hugs and whispered in my ear, and I tried not to come unglued at the thought of not seeing these two again.

I tried to be all stoic and calm and just get my stuff back from Mike, but it was really hard. Harder than I thought, which says quite a bit.

It’s really stupid of me to try to use words to explain how it felt to sit across the dining room table from him, neither of us talking, both of us wanting to shout or scream but not finding the words.

After I left, books and CDs in hand and one key short, I went to work. It just didn’t hold the charm and appeal for me it usually did. I couldn’t even use it to distract myself. I managed a solid 30 minutes there, before going home and crawling into bed. For three hours.

As I sat at Crazy Bowls & Wraps later, picking at my teriyaki wrap and being miserable, I determined I’d made a huge mistake.

It’s all in the timing.

Selfishly, I got very scared that if I gave Mike time, I’d just be more devastated when it ended. So, in order to spare myself, I just ended it. Too early. But I think what I was really supposed to do was not get “yoked” with this unbeliever at all. So, really, in my estimation, it’s too late.

I might as well stick it out to the bitter (God, please no) end.

You see, I’m just stupid stinking head over heels for this guy. Not sure when it happened. I’m thinking some pieces clicked into place at Starbucks (of all the ironic things). And over the course of time, every time he opens his mouth I fall deeper. Even with all my backwards scrambling and razor-sharp reflexes to get the hell away from this, I fell.

Damn.

I just happened to fall for one of the sweetest hearts I’ve ever had the privilege to meet.

At 11pm we were huddled together on the sofa, talking quietly. I’d really taken a shotgun to his heart today, and I was only just realizing it. By 2am all the cards were on the table, and I felt so much better. I hope he does too. All we can do is hold on, love each other, and see what comes.

Confident,

michelle