Lately I’ve been reminded of all the things I don’t like about relationships.

I don’t like being disregarded. I don’t like when the tenor changes, and no one informs me about it. I don’t like finding things out after the fact.

I don’t like weekend nights by myself. I don’t like feeling like a pest. I don’t like walking on eggshells.

I don’t like hidden resentments that come out later. I don’t like paying for someone else’s baggage.

I don’t like trying to find something else, like work, to occupy my time.

At least work was eventful today. Kinda. I actually - finally - called Carol. My best friend for 12 years - until we took a bit of a break. Well, a four year break. A break that broke my heart completely.

We fell back in step like it was just yesterday that I’d talked to her, been in her wedding, had her in mine. Like my baby shower was this morning, and our last conversation was 10 minutes ago.

But I knew, as well as she, that we had to talk about this stuff before we could move forward. No matter how much it sucked.

Catching up with her was like a gift from God. I didn’t realize the full extent of how much I missed her. Just chatting with her was such a breath of fresh air. God. It’s hard to explain.

I’m home free in writing my journal again. Mike isn’t reading it anymore. I’m trying not to let the alarm bells ring, and just enjoy the freedom that comes from him not reading it. It was fun when he did, but it’s also fun that he doesn’t.

If only I could get one other person to stop.

I’m in a bad mood tonight, because I’m sick to death of wondering what I’ve done. Probably nothing. I can’t be responsible for what someone else does or thinks. But it sucks. I feel like I whine constantly. But I’m starting to think - maybe there’s a reason for the whining. Maybe this just isn’t what I want. Maybe I want the transparency back, the whole person. Not just the scraps I’m being thrown right now. Maybe it would just be easier to back off and let this all fade away gracefully.

I just don’t remember the last time I did anything gracefully.

Exhausted from nothing at all,

michelle