I am a very blessed woman.

After many years of struggling, I’ve determined that life is all in the viewer’s perspective.

This may seem rudimentary for some, but looking back I find that for me, the perspective I’ve used is always someone else’s. I’ve also found that this is not healthy. Especially when the perspective of some of the people I chose was not very healthy (or very correct) to begin with.

Perhaps the best way to go about life is to find your own perspective. Find my own perspective.

So who am I?

The rudimentary details are boring: I am Michelle. I was born on August 4th, 1971 in St. Louis, Missouri. I’m 5′9″ with dark brown hair (streaky forevermore) and green eyes that hover on the edge of being hazel. I should be thin, but my favorite foods are … lessee … anything filled with carbohydrates. I’d say I’m about 8 pounds overweight, or coming from the other direction, I’m desperately lacking in muscle tone.

I hate mowing the lawn, ironing clothes, and extremely obvious spelling errors. I love my kid, music, and Jesus.

I’m a Christian of the conservative variety. I believe that the Bible is the infallible and inerrant word of God. I believe that Jesus Christ is the only begotten son of God and came to this earth to die for my sins. I read the Bible (though not often enough lately) and believe it is the guidebook for life. I do not hate anyone who is not a Christian, and I am not a “Bible-beater.” I believe the term “Bible-beater” is best saved for those who actually beat others with the Bible. I do not participate in that practice.

I believe the practice of “religion” should be abolished. Man in his infinite lack of wisdom has bastardized the body of Christ - His church. The worst violators are the people who swear by their “religion” because they were “born into it.” These folks especially need to receive a serious education on the difference between “faith” and “religion.” I believe in grace - “unmerited favor.” In other words, giving and receiving blessings that are unearned and/or undeserved.

I am an intellectual. Perhaps it would be better to say that I enjoy cerebral rather than physical pursuits. My intellectual passion is saved for reading, writing and the creation and consumption of music. I am not a debater, and learned in 2000 that the most worthless pursuit is arguing in circles with someone who is unwilling to actually listen.

I lean toward the Republican side of politics, and loathe Bill Clinton. I am not a fan of massive taxation, and believe that labor unions should have been abolished once labor laws and OSHA were put into place. I am a moderate in regards to social efforts, but believe that welfare should be limited to a two-month term. I fully support the idea of job training, and believe it should be provided simultaneously with welfare. I believe a baby is created upon conception, and deserves to be born. (Even where others may have meant harm and evil, God will use for good.) In direct contrast to “party lines,” however, I struggle with the right to bear arms, and stand opposed to the right to carry concealed weapons. I also believe in the death penalty.

I am a recovering co-dependent. Being addicted to people has been the catalyst to at least two near-suicides. Co-dependency has ruined friendships, relationships, and family. Recovery has exposed me to feelings a drug addict may experience - intense need, obsessive thinking, feelings of worthlessness and guilt, etc. Walking away from co-dependent relationships has left me broken enough to allow God to do his good work in me. I have been able to break much of the bondage I’ve lived in for so long. I can see more of my own opinions and actually value them and myself. I can see around the deception of others and see how their warped perspective coats everything they do and say.

I have depression. I refuse to define myself by this condition, but I do allow it to motivate me to continue to walk down a path of change. Last I checked, change sucks and hurts and provides many opportunities to become frustrated and empty and scared. A determination to walk away from the depression that hovers as my constant shadow pushes me down the path of change.

I have a heart for my son. Several years ago, I could not have honestly said this. I want him to grow up to be his own person and have his own identity. I want to enjoy where we are different and revel in where we are the same. I have no desire, on a conscious level, to control him. I want to see him healthy and well-provided-for, but I try to reign in any preconceived ideas of who or what he should be. I have been provided many anti-role-models to serve as examples of what I do not want to be, and this is finally proving itself to be useful.

Upon breaking free of co-dependency I have been able to see my parenting through my own eyes, and the eyes of my son. I see that being extremely authoritative and controlling is a great way to send an adult child into a life of therapy! I also see the liberal, “hands-off” way of parenting is unhealthy as well. I work every day to find the middle ground. I am interested in Justin. This speaks volumes, all things considered. I want to know what he’s been up to, what tickles his fancy, what he enjoys and what he dislikes. I am honestly interested in him.

I enjoy being able to use my gifts and talents and skills to help other people. I enjoy nothing more than investing someone’s entire retirement savings, reassuring them that Mr. Moody Market continues to be outrageous but predictable, and then watch the savings grow. I have been given the gift of reading people and the skill to understand how they think. I can use this to their own advantage, even when they do not believe I truly am. I have been given a gift of a profession that can assist people in meeting (or exceeding) their own dreams.

I have been in love. I’ve fallen in love all the way, to the floor, to the skies, as low and as high as one can go. I’ve felt sorrow for him and love for him and everything in between. This has truly been a blessing in my life. I realize there are souls who’ve never experienced this feeling, and it makes me sad. Although the pain of loss was nearly unbearable, knowing I’ve experienced the emotion has shaped me in ways I can’t express.

I’m growing. I am not the girl who started these writings with a broken heart and a wounded soul. I have people around me who love me and care for and about me, and who allow me to love them and care for and about them in return. My life has changed in so many different ways, but almost always for the better. Even when I’m dragged into the changes kicking and screaming, the end result is generally worth it. I have hope for the future now. I am so glad I can finally say that. I have hope for the future.

Barely scratching the surface,

michelle