While flipping by CSPAN this evening, I saw that our lovely government actually held a hearing regarding professional athletes using Ephedra. I am amazed to see my tax dollars hard at work on such an important subject. After all, if more professional athletes die or experience physical injury due to their own stupidity, I would be crushed.

As I was driving down I-170 (which is an oxymoron anyway, because this slice of highway between North St. Louis County and South-Central St. Louis County does not venture into a state other than Missouri) I saw a billboard for Ameren, our local energy provider. The billboard features the Dollar More program, and Edmund Nelson. Edmund, bless his heart, looks to be about ninety. He’s bowling. And I’m supposed to check my “Dollar More” box on my electric bill and pay the extra dollar to “help keep his A/C on.”

My first thought is, if he’s so broke, why the hell is he blowing his money on bowling? I haven’t been able to afford to go bowling in over two years.

My next thought is more a question: Why can Edmund not afford to keep his own A/C on? And I think to the myriad of Baby Boomers I work with every day. In twenty years, they will definitely not be able to keep their own A/C on. Why is that? They fuck off their money.

Typical scenario for me: A couple in their late forties. They each hold jobs - he works for XYZ Co (a large manufacturing plant near my office) on the actual manufacturing floor, she is a receptionist in a doctor’s office. Three kids, one headed off to college, one in high school, and one in eighth grade. They chose to put all three kids in parochial schools. Why? Is our local school district as awful as the St. Louis City School District? Hell, no. Is the quality of teaching better in the parochial schools? No way. Is a private school education important to get into the best schools? Not last I checked.

No, they themselves went to parochial schools (because they grew up in the area, you see - no one seems to leave this area - ever). Their parents gave them “the best education money could buy,” and they will now do the same for their kids.

Let’s put this in perspective. Locally, the North County parochial elementary schools run about $200/mo on a 10-month payment plan. The NoCo parochial high schools run $4500/year, and the “better” parochial schools run closer to $7k per year.

Dad’s lucky to be making $35k. Mom makes $20k. They have about $800 in savings, less in checking. And they are paying nearly half of Mom’s gross salary annually for private school education for their kids. Net after taxes, medical insurance, AND A PRIVATE SCHOOL EDUCATION Mom’s working for about $.96 per hour.

Retirement funding? Gimme a break. These people are hardly getting by as it is. Thinking about the future is a joke. They have no life insurance, so loss of a spouse would be financially devastating. They can’t seem to get any money tucked away, since the kids have soccer tournaments and school uniforms and books and dance lessons ad infinitem. They are paying minimums on the credit cards, because the furnace just went out, and the car needed a new headgasket, and Susie had to have a car so she could spend her evenings working at a minimum-wage job instead of doing homework for that money-sucking school they send her to.

Dad has a 401(k) at XYZ, but only contributes 3% of his salary. Since he decided to keep all his money in XYZ stock (which has dropped from the upper 60’s to the mid 30’s in three years), his balance is down to $5k. Mom’s doctor’s office doesn’t offer benefits, and they really “can’t afford” $25/mo into an IRA right now.

Huh. What was I thinking to even suggest such a thing? Sometimes I wonder. Huh.

Both Dad and Mom, however, drive nice vehicles. He has a new Dodge Ram truck, she a 2002 Ford Windstar minivan, decked out with a tv in the back for the kids. She justifies her vehicle with droning on and on about soccer tournaments, hauling kids around, etc. He’s too prideful to justify the way he handles money, and keeps tight-lipped about that.

Timmy’s attending Sisters of Whatchamacallit High School, which is the average run-of-the-mill NoCo parochial school. But Susie wants to go to VisitMeLater Academy, which runs $8k/year. She’s pretty smart, they think, so Mom will take a second job at Wal-Mart to send her there.

Timmy’s headed to St. Louis University, though - a $22,000/year private school. Both parents have stopped sleeping at night, worrying about how they’ll pay for it. When I suggest that a college education can be financed, whereas retirement income cannot, they look at me in horror. NOT pay for Timmy’s tuition? How ABSURD.

In ten years this couple comes to me. “We need to start saving for retirement,” they say. “The kids are out of school and on their own, and we’ve finally realized we need to start putting aside a little nest egg.”

I look at them straight in the eye. “Do you know how expensive retirement is?” I ask. “We have $30,000 saved,” they say proudly.

I sigh. “Let’s say you both retire at age 65, and die on your 85th birthday. You both love Big M@c E%tra ^alue Me@ls, and they cost $5. That’s all you ever eat. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. And they never increase in price. For twenty years, you eat Big M@cs and fries. [pause] How much money do you need just to eat in retirement?”

Long pause, as the couple stares at me.

“$219,000 just for food. You are now fifty-eight. You expect to retire in seven years. You expect to live on Social Security checks and a draw from your 401(k)? What does your savings account look like?” Both of them look at the floor. “That’s fine,” I say, “if you invest around $45,000* a year for the next seven years, you might be able to live for the next twenty without moving in with your children.”

(*Disclaimer: Total ranting estimate. This entire entry is a venting rant, and is not intended as investment advice. Well, more than maybe SAVE YOUR DAMNED MONEY RIGHT NOW. These are not real people, just a composite sketch of some of the 1,000+ people I’ve run into in the past two years. /END Disclaimer)

So, Edmund Nelson, pardon me if I don’t rush to check the “Dollar More” box. What did you do with your money during your High Income and Savings years (preretirement)? If you want my buck, you can give me your story yourself. Just make sure it doesn’t look anything like the scenario above. I won’t be too kind and compassionate. (But I might give you buck if I can get you to scare every Baby Boomer prospect I have with your story. I’ll give it some thought.)

On an unrelated note, the well-educated make the worst clients. They always think they know more than you, when really - they don’t.

I’ve wanted to get this off my chest for a while. Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots is really the most amazing singer of my generation. I listened to STP’s “Core” recently, and I swear every song finds Scott sounding different. For those unfamiliar with their work, it would be difficult to say it was just one person singing. Props to him.

Just stay off the heroin, Scotty. I dread the day I wake up to headlines reading “Scott Weiland, 36, found dead in his apartment.” Ugh.

I am fat. I determined this last night, when I got ready for Javi’s show at Brandt’s. None of my pants fit, and I’m sick of it. A few of the girl-brokers in my region were talking about running a 5k, and I was inspired. I figure that I might as well get off my ass and hit another of my 40×40 list. After all, I only have eight years, and I don’t forsee myself getting in better shape while sitting at my desk during the day and my computer during the night.

I’ve never run a mile. Or jogged a mile. Ever. Never ever ever. Really.

I suppose the whole cigarette thing will prove to be a problem. Maybe I’ll quit. Maybe I’ll cut back.

I’ll have to quit the soda (pop, Coke, whatever) and start drinking water as well. This won’t be too bad, because I feel constantly dehydrated anyway.

Who the hell knows if it’ll work. I’ve got the Ferguson StreetFest 5k on September 27th, and the Snowflake 5k on December 14th at my alma mater, Pattonville High School.

There’s a walk for the National Alliance for Autism Research on October 04 in Forest Park. I’m thinking of getting a group of brokers together to have a team. I should be more active regarding Asperger’s Syndrome. I bitch all the time about the publicity for it being stuck on the West Coast - maybe I’ll start getting involved.

Ooh, out of steam now. I feel much better. Thanks.

Vented out,

michelle