Do you ever feel like you’re missing a piece? Like, a piece of yourself? Like, there’s someone or something else out there that exists, but exists in the wrong place, because he/she/it should be with you.

I’m all leaky again tonight. I determined tonight that it’s definitely because of lack of sleep, incredible amounts of stress due to demands on my time, and poor diet and lack of exercise.

This morning Kristi told me she’s never seen me look this bad. I hadn’t put my makeup on yet, and reminded myself of a zombie.

Barring all that, I’m leaking. Or maybe because of all that, I’m able to leak. I miss … something. Someone. I don’t know what. My heart hurts a little, like a minor toothache that just won’t go away. A toothache I can fix. This heart thing - I’m lost.

It’s funny. The longer I saw Doug the larger the squishy part of me became. And now that it’s nice and big, there’s no one to be squishy with. Of course there’s Justin, and it’s soooooo awesome to be able to be squishy with him. There was a time I despaired of that ever happening. But he can’t be all my squishy-ness.

It’s tough to be in this space right now, man. It drags me backward and makes me wish for things that don’t exist. I’ve gotta watch that.

Dreaming again,

michelle

A dream of mine is to someday visit Jen in Australia. She lives in Melbourne (no stalking, please) and it looks like a divine place to be. I always giggle when she whines about how cold it is there, because a quick check of her weather finds it to be about 50F degrees - a cool spring/fall day for St. Louisans. And this is in the middle of her winter!

Jen and I “met” right after I started FebruaryStars. I’d been up to visit Mr. erasing.org, and he’d been on a site by a girl named Jennifer. Now, as I was the jealous type at the time, I hunted down “Jennifer” journals and found Jen. I wrote her to ask - huh, something - and she wrote back. She read a little of mine, I read a little of hers, and we began corresponding. This was three years ago, nearly to the day!

On a mission, I spent about 18 months of my life nagging her to come visit me. It nearly worked - she was THIS close to coming out last summer. Then reality took a turn and it didn’t work out.

I promised her that this year would be different. If it killed me, I’d be coming out there. I really, really wanted to come over the New Year, to spend that particularly useless holiday barbequing by the pool. So I began the Quantas Watch.

Every week I watched the airfares. And every week the trip over New Year’s cost over $2,000. It was depressing. But it also allowed me the opportunity to watch the fare sales for other times.

A month ago we came close. Oooh, my fancy was certainly tickled - the price from LA to Melbourne was only $1185 (with tax). Unfortunately, I was actually feeling my broke-ness at the time, and passed it up.

Last Friday, on a whim, I checked again. I checked for the Thanksgiving holiday instead. Lo and behold, the ticket was $799.

[dramatic pause]

I am flying to Melbourne, Australia. (I love the way that sounds.) I am going to spend two weeks visiting the beautiful Genevive in the most exotic place I can think of. I AM SO EXCITED!

I spent over an hour on IM with Jen Saturday night, loaded down with questions about Oz. What’s the money like? How do I fly with my meds? (Hee.) Do I have to get vaccinated?

I promised her I’d stop talking about the trip on the day I left in November. She corrected me, saying I’d stop talking about the trip about six months after I returned.

Fair enough.

Passport renewal applications, visa applications, and new luggage here I come. I’m going to Australia. I can’t believe it. I’m going to AUSTRALIA!!!

Still flying,

michelle