Alright, enough lying to myself.

I have lost all my muscles. Truly. And I have wasted my lungs away with cigarettes. I am currently a big bundle of water and fat. That’s it. There’s no way around it.

I just worked out with my new “Crunch: Fat-Burning Pilates” DVD. It’s 42 minutes of my own worst nightmare. My hands are shaking so much I’m surprised I can actually type. I have sweat running down my face. Yet, here I am, typing an entry.

Typical.

I’m just miffed and I’ve no one in the house to bitch to. I could yell at Bayliss, but I just spent half an hour doing that. (Any time I’m near the floor, Bayliss decides to put his face in mine. It doesn’t matter that my arms are flailing, my feet are kicking, or if I’m cursing at the television. I still have dog breath in my face.)

So I start doing these squats, right, and about eight or nine in I realize that I’m about to collapse. I have NO MUSCLE TONE left in my legs. I’m not kidding. I’m not stretching the truth. As I sit here, my legs and arms are pulsing.

I’m not the kind of person who can say to herself, hey, ya screwed up, you got lax and lazy and now it’s time to fix it. I say, hey, ya dumbass, you’re big as a fucking house and have no one to blame but yourself. It was understandable that you were trying to kill yourself back when you wanted to kill yourself, but now? Now you’re just lazy and whiny.

And there are you are and there you have it. My woes in a nutshell. I’m fat and lazy and completely out of shape. I can’t even consider any other health problems that might be lurking until I figure out how to get into a basically healthy position. Eating right. Yes, eating right. What that looks like I don’t know. Something about nuts and fruits and whole grains or whatever. I’m not sure what a “whole grain” is. Cutting back on processed foods, which is fucked up, because that’s WHAT I EAT. When in the hell do I have time to cook?

I told Kristi that I thought maybe I could just stop eating altogether and just drink water. Her response was, “Um, no.” Dammit.

Yesterday I drank half a can of Coke. That’s it. I also drank about 40oz of water. Pretty good. Being Halloween I had to snitch some candy, but I only ate 2 slivers of a Kit Kat bar. Oh, and one of my soon-to-be-sister-in-law’s cupcakes. (Damn.)

This morning, I have a headache that I’m sure isn’t going to go away. Instead of drinking Coke, Mt Dew, Cherry Coke, or Pepsi, I’ll have to suck down the Extra Strength Tylenol on a regular basis. Eh, modifications.

I remember my ex-friend Audrey (the dietician) used to eat salad constantly. Of course, I think that stems from something else, personally, but that’s what she did. Salad with no dressing. Dinner last night was a Lean Cuisine, which remarkably had only 24g of carbos and like 9g fat. Huh. See, there are things to eat, right? Things that don’t take an hour plus to prepare.

I think I’m maddest at myself because of three things. The first is that I bought the most wonderful wardrobe of fall/winter clothes last year, and most of them are pants. Currently, my ass doesn’t fit into my pants. Second is that I did NOT want to go visit Jen looking like a BIG FAT ASS. I wanted to be thinner, healthier, so I could spend time in Australia not hating myself. That can really drag on things. And third, I’m finally hanging around with some cool people, and I hate being the frump of a group.

I’m not ugly. I’m not frumpy. I’m a relatively cool person. Hell, I have a tattoo! ::grin:: But right now, I have an extra 15 pounds that is making me hate all that. I can’t continue this way. I’m not going to continue. I’m done with this. I love sweets. I mean, I LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE sweets. But I have to stop this nonsense before I throw myself off a bridge.

And since I can’t afford liposuction, I guess I have to do it the hard way.

Not looking forward to grocery shopping,

michelle