It was such a beautiful weekend that normally it would be hard to pick out notable moments. However, there were a few today that really blew my mind.

I’ve been feeling sharp pangs of doubt lately over my decision to marry Stephen. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s more that I’m finally experiencing what Doug and I had talked about at length in the past - my fear of any man who would love me enough to want to be with me.

Healthy relationships are not my forté. I am used to relationships where I feel like I can’t live without him. Relationships where I only feel ‘alive’ when I’m with him … and every moment in between has me feeling dead inside. I’m used to relationships where I’m out of ‘control’ and that is simultaneously frustrating and arousing. I’m used to unhealthy relationships.

Because of this, I asked Stephen to attend couples counseling with me. He graciously agreed - not because he felt we needed it, but because it was important to me. Yesterday we saw Doug together. It was funny when he asked what he could do for the two of us. I responded that I had no idea, but I’d always promised myself I’d go to couples counseling when I thought I’d met the man I was going to marry.

Honestly, though (and I told them both this) I’ve been wondering lately if this is ‘the real thing.’ What, in fact, is love? Is it that mind-numbing, drama-laden relationship thing I’m so used to? Or is it more (or less) than that? I admitted I’ve not been feeling ‘dead’ when Stephen’s in Rolla, although I do miss his presence. I’ve been able to work, live, eat and sleep. I’ve still been a mom, a friend, a daughter, a boss. And I’m scared that Stephen isn’t ‘it’ because of it.

I’m hoping this sounds bizarre to people who have (or recognize) healthy relationships. I’m hoping that most people will read this and think, what in the hell is she even talking about? Because it’s so real to me, that I think I’m completely insane.

After spending three years walking me through some serious shit, I knew Doug would understand where I was coming from. Lucky for me, though, he didn’t purport to know what healthy and unhealthy look like. He didn’t pronounce us one way or the other. He said he’d be happy to help us identify areas where we would struggle, and help us walk through them. (And he started in on it right away, as a matter of fact.)

I left there not feeling validated or invalidated. Instead I just felt like things were on the right track, and that - just as I’d figured - my fears were coming from old baggage and a lack of experience with normal, healthy relationships.

Justin was in a pretty bad place today. He was crying at the least little thing, which is not really his style. I berated his father for it, because usually Dan lets him stay up til midnight on the weekends, which puts my child in an exhausted frame of mind for Sunday. This time, however, Dan swore up and down that Justin went to bed at 10p last night and got a good night’s sleep.

Stephen, Justin and I drove around looking at houses and munching on a good old fashioned lunch (McD’s). It was fun, until Justin finished his food and decided he was bored. After listening to as much whining as I could take, I gave up and we headed home. As we were driving, Justin decided he wanted to lay down on the back seat and take a nap.

We pulled over and prepared the back seat for this momentous occasion. The Saturn isn’t equipped with a bench seat in the back; it’s more like two bucket seats with cup-holders in between. We used every available piece of clothing to cushion the cup-holders and give Justin a pillow to rest on. After he was pretty much settled, we started driving home.

Unfortunately the sun was in his eyes while we were on the highway. He complained a couple of times, but we didn’t have anything to shade the window. All of the sudden, I noticed we were driving right next to an 18-wheeler, which was effectively blocking the sun from Justin’s face. Then I noticed it wasn’t just a stroke of good luck - Stephen was pacing the truck so we stayed in its shade. Miles and miles we drove next to that truck, at a ridiculously slow pace (to me), and Stephen never said anything about it or batted an eyelash. I just watched him from my seat and smiled.

My poor kiddo is used to having something to snuggle with while he sleeps. He still snuggles with two blankies that he used to sleep with as an infant. He also has a myriad of stuffed animals in his bed at all times. Unfortunately, we didn’t have any blankies or buddies in the car, and he was missing them. A lot. He whined that he didn’t have anything to snuggle with, and then he started to cry. My heart broke (as always) and I looked around for something to give him that he could snuggle with. (”Anything, Mom,” came the pitiful cry from the back.)

At the next stoplight, Stephen pulled up the handbrake, and took his shirt off. He was wearing a button-down shirt over a cotton t-shirt, and he pulled the cotton t-shirt off. I gave it to Justin, who grabbed it with both hands and whimpered, “thank you” to Stephen. He said, “You’re welcome,” in a quiet voice and pulled his other shirt back on.

We were only about eight minutes from home at this point.

The big excitement in the late afternoon was that Stephen had agreed to take Justin to the park next to our house. The deal was that I’d go to Target and Stephen would watch Justin. I could live with that.

I stopped into my bedroom to get something, and was drawn to the window. As I stood watching, the guys decided to hop the fence and walk up to the park instead of play on the swings in our yard.

My heart bounced all over the place as I watched the backs of the two men I adore as they walked up the path to the park. It’s as if everything in my wild heart fell into place, and I knew I’d found home.

Questions to answers,
michelle