An open letter to Stephen Deken regarding this.

Stephen,

I have been through more ups and downs than a yo-yo. I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes, done a lot of dumb things, and hurt a lot of people along the way. At this point in my life, I’d started to think that being alone was probably the best thing, because I didn’t trust myself to love and be loved.

I figured if I met anyone, they would sweep through my life in frightening fashion. But you didn’t come into my life like a whirlwind. You came into it and gently woo’ed me away from the fear I was clinging to. Each day I loosened my grip on it, and I didn’t even realize what I was doing. You gave me exactly what I didn’t know I needed.

With you there is comfort and excitement. I’ve experienced the comfort before, without any excitement. It’s a cold place. I’ve also experienced the excitement before, but without any comfort at all. The heat burns you up and spits you out. But with you I have both, in perfect balance. I’d been told it truly exists - that one man can bring both in abundance - but I’d never believed it. Until now.

When I met you at JournalCon, I immediately thought you were gorgeous. And as we chatted in the hallway for a few minutes, I thought to myself that there was no way I’d ever have a chance with someone like The Stephen Deken.  Then I sat and watched you during the next session, where you were on the panel. You had the best sense of humor, rolling your eyes when I wanted to and making the comments I was wishing I could. And I was sitting there wishing that I could have more time to talk to you.

Actually, I think this is all Jen’s fault. She started it. She reads your journal, you know, and told me while I was in AU to read your November 17th entry. So I did. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Except, wait. This hasn’t actually been easy for me. I’ve lost sleep over thinking about you, and us. I’ve worried about Justin and his heart, worried about myself and my poor judgement and general stupidity, worried about you and how you might be hurt, worried about my business (because you are so much more fun than my business), and various and sundry other items. I’ve been frightened by the thought of the consequences of yet another “bad” decision. I’ve tried to logically divorce myself from the situation, and sit and watch you - considering from an ‘outsiders’ point of view what kind of husband and father you’d make. I’ve tried frantically to remind you that I’m seven years older than you are, and I’ve tried very hard to push you away.

One by one I’ve pulled out the negative cards - the pieces of myself that are less than stellar. I’ve tried to bury the beautiful pieces of myself under the pieces of myself that are ugly and awful, but somehow you gently and patiently accept the negative and reach in for the beauty time and again. It’s amazing to me.

You know how much I love Justin. You know he’s my heart. I’ve watched you with Justin so many times, and you are always just what I’ve wanted for him. You are alternately kind and gentle and silly and serious and it makes my heart sing. You are willing to walk through the Asperger’s Syndrome, and that speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.

There are so many pieces of me that have been rejected before, yet you accept them all, and love me all the more. You’ve lured me out of my self-imposed prison and let me see the sun again. I love you for this, and for thousands and thousands of other things. You are the most incredible mixture of heart and mind and soul that I’ve ever met. I’m done worrying that I’ll sully that somehow. I’m ready to accept your love and shower you with all the love I have to give. I’m ready to take that step.

I love you so very much. I accept your proposal. I would be honored to be your wife.

With everything I have and everything I am,
michelle