I hate bursting on the scene again like this, but…

Yeah, so. Here we are.

In the past two or three weeks, I’ve managed to skip out on work early nearly every day and come home and take a nap. Then not want to get out of bed again.

I’ve been dragging myself around. Lethargic. Pretty much unable to find enough of a focus to give much of a shit about anything.

I miss people too much. I miss Jen like crazy, I miss Stephen to the point of tears when he leaves for the night, and I miss Justin to the point my heart throbs every single day he’s not with me.

I’m putting on the Happy Face again. Smile, and the world smiles with you. Cloud over, and … strange. No one notices.

I hardly have enough energy to stay in my office for four hours at a time. This, of course, is causing me to have my worst selling month since I started my job. I mean, it’s embarrassingly bad. It’s not just “oh yuck, I could have lived without that” bad. It’s so bad that I’m afraid I’ll owe my firm money when they deduct my medical and 401(k) from the check.

I. Can’t. Pick. Up. The. Phone.

That’s the tell-tale sign. I know the monster is back because I can’t pick up the god-blessed phone.

I decided as I crawled into bed today for my regular Hide From the Day nap that I’m playing the same old game again. If I work hard and fail, then I’ve actually failed. If I don’t work hard and yet fail, I can just blame being lazy - and I won’t discover my worst fear - that I’m truly a failure.

Whatever. The depression monster is back. And the obnoxious thing about it is, I saw it coming.

-m.