I really feel better today. Really. Happy, nearly. This particular fact comes in somewhere just short of a miracle when you consider the last 10 days or so.

• 
  I found out I was pregnant. This has to top the list as Completely Unexpected Fact of the Month. Sort of sent everything sideways, although now I’m really, really happy about it. Morning sickness sucks, though. (Especially when it’s 24/7 sickness.)
  


• 
  Monday night we had to meet with my pastor to tell him about the baby. That was a little nerve-wracking. Who likes to admit to their pastor that on July 20th, before the Incubus concert, Stephen and I were overtired and taking a nap after fighting all day, and one thing led to another, and… (And, NO, that wasn’t the ONLY time. But it WAS one of the few. Dammit.)
  


• 
  Tuesday afternoon I talked to my p-doc, who panicked and told me to get off my meds as quickly as possible. To say I was upset is an understatement. She wanted me to get off Serzone in 6 days. THEN she wanted me off Effexor in nearly the same length of time.

  Because I’ve cut back on both Serzone and Effexor once before (but much more slowly than this) and was very sick during the entire attempt, I knew I was screwed. I argued with her, but she said that was that. So that night I started cutting back on a huge hunk of my meds.
  



• 
  Wednesday I quit smoking.
  


• 
  Thursday we receive a package from Stephen’s Aunt Beth, who’d already RSVP’d that she and her family would not be attending the wedding. Stephen wanted me to ship it back unopened. I just suddenly became really tired of all the passive aggressiveness, and dug around for Beth’s phone number. Upon calling her, I asked for answers to her behavior and her belief. I wanted to know what the deal was. And she tried her hardest to explain.

  But, God, I wanted a cigarette.
  



• 
  Sunday we had to meet with the session of our church (the elders) about the baby. It was very edifying, but again, nervewracking.
  


• 
  On Monday or Tuesday, Kristi called me and quit her job. Yeah, okay, at this point I’m just wanting to get really really drunk. Or smoke a pack of cigarettes. Or something. I completely understand why she is quitting. What comes close to a miracle occurred within her family to allow her to have her husband pay for medical insurance through his own company instead of ours. And when your paycheck is just $100 after you pay for daycare, it doesn’t make any sense.

  Except that this is going to set my business back by at LEAST a year. Maybe more. I’ll be basically starting all over again. And I thought this SUMMER was tough without Kristi. I’m in nightmare-land now.
  



• 
  Thursday I received the note from Aunt Pat. Then I found out how upset Whitney actually was to hear that we were pregnant. Whitney is Stephen’s sister-in-law, who was very very very insistent on having the first Deken grandchild. And believe me, I was more than happy to oblige. I wasn’t really looking to have a baby quite yet, ya know?

  I was more concerned about how to tell Whitney about the baby than I was about how to tell Stephen’s dad. That says something.

  In the end, we couldn’t seem to get Stu and Whitney together in the same room. We’d had opportunities to tell all the other family members, but not Stu and Whitney. So we took the chicken’s way out and told Stu over the phone.

  It just wasn’t a big deal to me - having the “first” Deken grandchild. But it broke my heart to tell Stu because I knew it was the biggest of deals to Whitney. Tonight Whitney told me how she felt betrayed. And again my heart was broken. It’s so hard to focus on how much I love this baby when it seems that its creation threw everything into disarray.
  



• 
  As I was driving to work yesterday, I lost control of my car. I managed to wrap it around a “keep right” sign. The roads were all wet but I’ve never lost control like that. I was unhurt but completely pissed. A stupid little road sign managed to slice the front of my Miata in half.

  I called Stephen in tears. Sobbing, actually. I finally reached the end of my rope. The car was no longer drivable. I cried for about an hour. By noon we’d had the car towed, rented a Grand Am, dealt with the insurance company, and Stephen had put me to bed. I just couldn’t stop crying. I was so down. Everyting had finally just become too much.
  

Today, though, I feel better. I’m writing on Stephen’s laptop in the living room. He hooked up wireless internet in the house so now I can sit and watch tv and type and check the e-mail without leaving the sofa. (Lazy.) The sun is shining, I received no response cards, and my stomach has stopped cramping incessantly. I think I’ll go enjoy it.

Happy,
michelle