Tonight I’m sitting at my computer and leaking. Haven’t leaked like this in a while. Of course, I haven’t listened to music in a while either.

So much is going on. So. Much.

Is it so bad to look over the past few years now that everything is changing? I hope not. Looking back at the men I loved and the mistakes I made and the successes and failures and knowing that each of them taught me so much. And those sorts of lessons will now give way to other sorts of lessons, from a different perspective, a different time and place.

I hope it’s not wrong to feel a tinge of regret at leaving it behind.

I seem to recognize your face
Haunting, familiar yet I can’t seem to place it
Cannot find a candle of thought to light your name
Lifetimes are catchin’ up with me
All these changes taking place
I wish i’d seen thde place
But no one’s ever taken me
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away

Is it wrong to dread your own wedding? I mean, your best buddy’s, sure, but your own? I swear, somehow I’ve lost all interest. I just want to be married. The whole day has become the biggest drag. The planning, the worrying, the sweating, wondering which family members will come, which will not. Trying not to be disappointed by it all. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I’m just down right now.

I never used to cry. I mean, not that much. Now, damn. All I have to do is watch a news special on a little kid with a disability and I bawl. All I have to do is listen to a sad song and I’m gone. I’m going to have to hide my Sarah McLachlan CD until May.

I’m finding as I’m digging through my mp3 collection that grunge is generally not “danceable.” Sadly, it’s what I want played at the reception. Guess I’ll find yet another “happy” medium.

Oh, yeah. Did I mention I neglected to take my Effexor til 4pm today? That explains it. Some of it, anyway.

“…yeah I found God
and He was absolutely nothin’ like me
He showed me up like some dime-store hooker
It was plain to see

‘Whatcha doin’ in this darkness baby?
when you know that love will set you free
Will you stay in the sea forever?
drownin’ there for all eternity?
Whatcha doin’ in this darkness baby?
Livin’ down where the sun don’t shine
Come on out into the light of love
Don’t spend another day
livin’ in the sea’

I think I’m scared. I’m just not sure what I’m scared of.

I’m also bugged that I can’t have bands like Limp Bizkit played at the reception. I’m afraid I’d be in the overwhelming minority enjoying it. Bugger.

I could use a glass of chardonnay. Or just a pack of cigarettes. ::sigh::

I’ll get over it. It’s just a pregnant moment.

Stalled in Hormone Land,
michelle