A Fuel for Thought RealityFuel entry.

When I was younger, I had a terrible habit. As I became closer with to someone in a love relationship, I would begin morphing into that person. I think it’s a form of co-dependence - not really having a solid sense of self, or feeling that that “self” is not worth keeping.

When the relationship would (invariably) end - and usually badly - I found myself sitting in the middle of a life I didn’t enjoy, doing things I didn’t recognize, yet having everything I did remind me of the person who’d just left me behind. “Cleaning up” after each relationship was that much more difficult because I’d tried to become … someone else.

Instead of allowing myself to be drawn back down the path towards my true self, I would fight that and end up being drawn to yet another love relationship where the same cycle would begin. As the relationship progressed, I would feel energized - invigorated! But it wasn’t really me.

Perhaps I didn’t want to be me. Perhaps I didn’t like that person. Perhaps it had been so long that I didn’t even recognize that person. But, for whatever reason, I held tight to this awful pattern. Maybe it was just comfortable. Who knows? (Probably Doug, but that’s another story.)

When I started seeing S., I didn’t really want to change who I was. So I didn’t. And he didn’t want me to change. He really enjoyed the person he’d met and gotten to know. I tried not to overthink things, and I tried to be true to myself. It was a scary change in my typical pattern, and I was convinced that somehow I’d end up driving him away as well. But I didn’t. To my shock and surprise, he liked me. Actually, he loved me. And I didn’t have to change a thing.

Unfortunately, during the crazy get-engaged-plan-a-wedding-whoops-I’m-pregnant time, I’d let go of the amazement and wonder of remembering that I hadn’t had to change to be loved. That came back to me in spades when I spent some time watching another relationship recently. Everything I saw made me very sad. I hate watching someone make the mistakes I’ve made.

The evidence of the ultra-morph was everywhere. To me it felt like carnage on the road. I wanted to stand up and say, “Wait, hold on. Who is this?” but obviously it wasn’t my place. I can only hold my breath and wait for the inevitable fall. Or maybe… maybe this person can keep the pretense up forever…? I’m not that good. Or maybe I just don’t thrive on that kind of drama anymore.

Relationships require a solid foundation. Time doesn’t play into it as much as honesty and communication really do. And if you are spending all of your emotional energy changing, changing, changing into someone else, are you being honest with anyone? Even yourself? Do you know how badly you are hurting yourself? (Not to mention everyone else, of course.)

Perhaps one day you just wake up, look around, and say, “What the hell have I done?”

Or perhaps that was just me.

On love and marriage,
michelle