Recently I attended a sales meeting for brokers in my region. They announced the (volunteer) leadership structure for 2005, as well as allowing us an open forum with which to vent about current “scandals.” (Whatever.) I’ve decided I hate meetings like this, because they bring to light a problem I knew I’d have to deal with sometime - my priorities.

I sat quietly and gritted my teeth just a little as I listened to the brokers who’d just come into leadership positions. Some of them were younger in the business than I am. Only one of them was female. Every year I attend these meetings, and every year I wonder… when will I be up there talking?

My biggest problem is that I’m rarely ever satisfied with what I have. For example, I enjoy being a broker but eventually want to be more. Some guys have spent their entire careers as a broker, and find satisfaction in that. I’ve always hoped to move up, move on, do something bigger. The trouble is, the next step is a leadership position in the region. But I’m not even on the short list.

Why is that? It’s because my business isn’t rock solid. My sales numbers fluctuate like a roller coaster if you look at them over years. Just when I hit a high, they’ll start to sink. 2004 is a prime example. In March I had my best month ever, but then by August I had my worst month in 18 months. Of course, by August I was engaged, planning a wedding that was getting out of hand, pregnant, and trying to wrestle my way through a pack of wild extended in-laws and the Catholic Church madness. In other words? I actually had a life outside my job.

Perhaps this isn’t the job for me. If I have to remain so solitarily focused in order to succeed, maybe I need something else to work on.

Here’s my next thought: Babies. Only 8% of the brokers in my firm are female. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I believe it depends on your point of view. Only two of the eight female brokers in my region are of childbearing years. Are we nuts to be doing this job?

When I started this job, I had no hopes of ever getting married again. No hopes of ever having another child. In actual fact, I gave away the majority of my baby things the same year I started as a broker.

Now, look. I’m 11 weeks away from having a baby. It’s bad enough that there’ve been times I’ve skimmed on my time with Justin. But I knew I could leave on time on the days I had him, because I always had the other half of the week to spend extra hours at work to make up for it. Now? Now I’m not a part-time mom. Now I’m full time, baby. I’m a full time mom and I’ll be a full time broker. My baby’s counting on my and my clients are counting on me. Dammit.

Obviously I can’t give 100% to both, unless they come up with some way for me to skip sleeping on a permanent basis. Alas, something’s gotta give.

It would be reprehensible (in my own mind) to give more to my job than to my son (right?). So I have to cut back on the job. But exactly what do I cut back on? Quality? Service? Do I short-change my clients? Only give accounts cursory glances?

Do I strive for mediocrity? Why does the thought of that leave such a nasty taste in my mouth? I sat down and looked at my sketched-out “life plan” recently. It includes three babies in 6 years. In order to fulfill that plan, I have to do the minimum amount of work. We have “quotas” and I’ll just have to meet the minimum expectations. In essence? I’ll not be exceeding anyone’s expectations for at least 6 years. This in turn leads to no advancement, no leadership positions, no recognition for a job well done.

And a job well done is the truth. If you look at my life as a whole, I’ll be raising two, three, four children as well as managing millions of dollars of other people’s money. Isn’t that a big deal? Why would real-life experience not count in the workplace?

Because I’m in a man’s job. I bitterly told S. that if I were a man this wouldn’t be an issue, and you’d think in this day and age it wouldn’t be an issue. S. says it’s just a myth that a male/father spends as much time and effort as caregiver as the female/mother. I’ve talked to other (male) brokers who say, “I work hard but I spent lots of time with my kids too.” I just think - you’re uber-successful at work, and I’m not sure your kids know your name. Is this where I want to be? But do I want to compromise the quality of my work? Am I in the kind of job where I can just robotically show up at 9am and leave at 5pm and leave it all behind?

Maybe I’m not being fair. But right now, this question looms over me like a massive black cloud. I think I need some objectivity. Or maybe some time alone in a quiet room. Or something.

At a crossroads,
michelle