I am so in love with Stephen. Sometimes it just hits me right in the gut, when I’m not expecting it. He doesn’t need to do anything exciting and wonderful; I’ll be overwhelmed with love for him just by glancing over at him while he’s working on the computer.

Since January, I’ve watched him be angry/sad/frustrated over his family. He’s a brooder… I’m a venter. That’s why I get in trouble all the time. This journal gets me into more trouble than just about anything else, actually. Next is e-mail, and finally my mouth. S. says it’s because I always say what’s on my mind. I told him no, he’s wrong. I don’t always say what’s on my mind. That would be just plain rude, as it would be if anyone did that.

I was pissed off in January but couldn’t really go into detail about it, because it was my mouth (or my fingers, rather) that got me into trouble in the first place. So we dealt with the cards we’d been handed, and made some tough decisions about how to handle things with S.’s family. As we expected, they weren’t happy.

I wanted to vent and vent and vent, but I was being pounded by phone calls from family members telling me instead to apologize. I’d never heard of anything so preposterous. I’d already apologized once to his mother when I wasn’t sorry; I just wanted the madness to end. (Not surprisingly, it did. I have experience with these things.) I wasn’t about to do it again - not when it’s been proven that this is a bizarre pattern. A pattern that needs to STOP.

S.’s been upset about this for a couple months now. We’ve talked about it several times, and each time I just listen or I give him my opinion of the situation, but tell him I’ll back him up no matter what direction he wants to take.

For S., it’s been a matter of “I have nothing to say to that woman” since she used the “she has your balls in a vice grip” line and hung up on her son. Unfortunately, the baby is due shortly and we know what’s going to happen. We saw it at a recent birthday party for his brother. Everything’s fine, no worries… according to her. But the thing is, nothing is fine and S. isn’t going to put up with people pretending it is.

I don’t want anything to ruin the day his son is born. I don’t want to see his mother breeze into the hospital like all is well and pretend that she didn’t hurt him to pieces. I don’t want him to have to feel all the anger at the same time he’s admiring his new son. Unfortunately, though, I don’t have much to say about the matter. After I was insulted and attacked back in January, I made it abundantly clear that she’s crossed my boundaries for the last time and that there would be no possibility for a relationship between the two of us without some serious changes. I realize that the possibility of those changes occurring are minute, because it’s a lot easier to blame “that woman he married” and not their own flesh and blood. So. Enough about my issues; I’m just along for the ride at this point.

I watched S.’s disappointment when his mother not only didn’t show up at the baby shower, but apparently enlisted her close friends to boycott it as well. I’d registered his frustration and disappointment with his parents as they’ve been completely disinterested in the baby through the entirety of its gestation (except for the wild and uncontrolled weeping upon the announcement). I’ve watched his troubles with his brother get passed around the entire family by means of triangular conversations and forwarded (private) e-mails. I’ve nearly chewed off the ends of my fingers and tongue trying not to say anything or type anything that might exacerbate the situation.

You see, I love this man. He’s amazing. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met, actually. He’s sensitive and obnoxious and sweet and loving and a big dork. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a life partner. And when you love someone like this, you don’t want to see him hurt. You don’t want to hear him cry over the way his family is treating him. You want to see him happy, enjoying his life. The pain is nearly unbearable to watch. It makes me angry and, I dare say, a big vengeful. It makes me want to take these people by the hair and shake them vigorously.

I’m not one to put up with manipulative bullshit. This is my “new” character flaw, I guess, because four or five years ago it’s all I ever did put up with, and I loved it. I loved the drama, the trauma. Just read old entries from 2000 and 2001. Now, I’ve changed. Maybe I realized life is too short to live from one drama to the next. Or maybe I realized drama isn’t reality, it’s a form of unhealthy entertainment that keeps you away from dealing with more important, real things. So, when my bullshit meter spirals out of control, I throw up my hand and warn the person that I will be walking away if the drama continues. It’s not worth it. Really.

For two months I’ve been watching quietly from the sidelines as all this goes on. I’ve wanted to step in, I’ve wanted to rant and rave. I’ve wanted to post about it a million times, and instead found myself relaying bits and pieces only to the people who get notifications. The trouble is, I’m already getting the lion’s share of the blame for all this - as the instigator - so I won’t prove anything to the contrary if I go in with guns blazing. I have to sit back and let S. continue to be in charge of the situation, in whatever way he sees fit.

This week I sent an e-mail to everyone S. wanted to invite regarding his graduation from UM-Rolla in May, and a barbeque we’d be having to celebrate the following weekend. I received an e-mail back from Seb, saying he wouldn’t be able to attend the barbeque. I wasn’t surprised. They haven’t talked in months, and it really makes S. hurt and frustrated. I responded back that I wasn’t surprised he wouldn’t be attending (since they hadn’t been talking) and then I receive what I perceive as angry e-mail responses. I respond to each one, trying to be polite and keeping my nose out of the whole thing, and keep receiving again what I perceive as angry or snippy e-mail messages in return. See? When you don’t take any time to get to know me, and make assumptions about who I am and how I act, you’re going to get angry every time. That’s what happened. I get tired of it all. But I bite my tongue and keep a level head and let them all think what they want. And I wait.

After several apparently-angry e-mails from Seb (with me reminding him that this is completely between he and S.) he writes S. I don’t know what he said, and I don’t know what S. responded. All I know is that last night, S. started writing the e-mail at about midnight, and at 3:15am I came out of the bedroom looking for him. He told me he’d wrapped up the e-mail to Seb at 2am, but was currently writing an entry. I went back to bed, sad for S., because I’ve spent many a night fighting my own demons, and I knew that was exactly what he was doing - fighting his demons. It sucks.

He came to bed around 3:30a-ish. It wasn’t til this morning that I read what he wrote. I was overcome with emotion - mostly that I love him so much. He fought the good fight with his demons and came out on top - in this round. I let him sleep til after noon because I know how exhausting that fight can be. He kept saying he needed to get up, and I kept kissing his forehead and telling him to sleep. And my eyes would fill with tears every time I’d look at him.

He’s his own harshest critic. I could refute several statements he made in that entry, but I won’t. All I’ll do is continue to love him the only way I know how, and maybe his self-doubt will burn away. I can’t be all things to him; I know he needs the love of others as well - as we all do. I’m just hoping things go smoother for he and his family than I’ve experienced with mine. And if they don’t, I hope I know what to say to make him feel better.

Since he’s my partner and the love of my life, after all.

So proud of him,
michelle