This stay-at-home gig is a mixed bag. I think if I could just sit on the sofa all day and hold Ryan, I could really get into this. Unfortunately, though, there’s more to staying home than that. Things like cleaning the house and cooking and laundry etc … Things I couldn’t ask S. for help with if my only contribution to our life was sitting around with Ryan.

That reminds me of an obituary I read a couple months ago. It was really sweet. A lady who was in her nineties passed away, and her obituary mentioned more than just her survivors. It listed organizations she volunteered for and how she stayed at home and raised her children. Then it listed a brief story about she and her late husband. He was the breadwinner of the family, and she the homemaker. He always told her, “I’ll make the living, and you make the living worthwhile.”

Is there anything sweeter?

I heard from my friend Joe today. He’s also a broker with my firm, and he gave me the scoop - the rumour mill has it that I’m not going back to work. As much as I dread my job at times (stress, etc) I’m definitely going back. He was like, “Okay, sure, but if you change your mind, let me know.” Dude, I’m not changing my mind.

I had big ideas for this maternity leave. A bunch of the brokers (all men, of course) were referring to my leave as a “vacation.” Yeah, right. I’d hoped to clean out the basement, to create a filing system for all of our household paperwork, to keep the house clean and cook dinner every night. I wanted the sheets to be changed regularly, to clean out the den, to sort through clothes and get things ready to go to Our Lady’s Inn. Instead, I’m tired all the time and spend all my energy on Ryan. (Note: this is what maternity leave is for. I know that now. But I had such high hopes.)

I have four weeks left. Not sure how it’s going to play out at this point. Stephen goes back to work on Wednesday, and I’m pretty much dreading that. It’s been nice to have him here. He’s great about taking shifts of feeding Ryan at night, and playing with him and such. I couldn’t have asked for a better father for Ryan, or Justin either for that matter.

I’m truly blessed. I just can’t quite wrap my arms around it.

Ambivalent,
michelle