Today was the day I’d been putting off even thinking about for months and months. I had to figure out what in the world I was going to do with Ryan when I went back to work. I have until May 16th to figure it all out, but denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, baby.

I was lucky with Justin, because my boss had let me stay home with him for six months. I would have stayed home longer, but I was promoted to sales manager, and it’s a little hard to manage a staff from a remote location. So. Then my luck continued when my mom volunteered to watch him until he got older. I kept him out of day care until he was two - at which time he needed some socialization anyway. It was still amazingly difficult to drop him off every day, but he was older and it wasn’t the devastation I’m feeling trying to figure out what to do with Ryan.

Today Ryan and I started visiting day care centers in the area, and my panic wasn’t assuaged by visits. The first center we visited was a chaotic mess. The toddlers are in the same big room as the infants, with the room divided between them with five foot bookcases and a little gate. This means that when the toddlers are listening to a fun, loud tape of kid songs, the infants are subjected to it as well.

Now, I’m not the kind of mom who tiptoes around when Ryan is sleeping. I know he has to be able to sleep through noise. But for heaven’s sake! The toddlers are running around crying, making noise, being loud, and the infants have to deal with sensory overload!

We stayed there for about a half hour, talking with the teachers and just generally watching what was going on. The teachers were all very outgoing and nice, and it was obvious they enjoyed being with the children. It was obvious, because when we went to the next center, the teachers were pretty reserved. Stoic, nearly. The cribs were all lined up neatly, unlike the first center. The toddlers weren’t in the same room as the infants either. All of this should have soothed me, but it unnerved me even more.

By the time we returned home, I was beside myself. If this is the type of thing I’ve run into at two centers, what will others be like? I don’t have a boatload of choices here. I was really struck by a need to quit work and stay home with Ryan. Then I was struck by how much I must’ve changed in order to feel like this. Everything was so confused in my head that I placed a panic call to S. He assured me we’d keep looking for places, and I was semi-placated.

Tonight I was thinking about the two day care centers, and realized that although the first center was a bit chaotic, it was apparent that the teachers really care about the kids, which is much more important than making sure the cribs are all lined up neatly. I would rather Ryan receive a ton of love and attention.

I have no idea how this is going to play out. I wish I could be a part-time stock broker, but unfortunately my firm is pretty old-school. Not sure I could convince The Powers that Be to try a job share. I’ll keep dreaming (and hunting for decent day care).

Seized,
michelle