I realize that sometimes it takes a while to admit when you screwed up (okay, well, maybe for me) but 10 months may be a bit on the ridiculous side for this. It’s not like she doesn’t already know anyway. But I thought I’d throw it out there as a big apology and admittance of guilt.

I completely ruined Jen’s summer vacation. Or winter vacation, as it were for her.

The deal is, back in August 2005 Jen came to the U.S. for a visit. I had a really bad feeling about it, ONLY because the months leading up to August had been so freakin’ busy. Every day was a new problem, a new project, or just a pile of them that we couldn’t get through. We’d put a contract on a house that was to be completed by the end of December, so we knew our house had to be ready for market by October. Doesn’t that sound like a lot of time? June to October? Yeah, right. Maybe if I hadn’t put off doing a zillion things to the house in the first place.

I’d “warned” Jen ahead of time that it was like a zoo at our house. She said she understood. But then when she got there, it was worse than I expected. I was trying to change medications, meaning I was weaning off one through the whole month. That’s not a good thing. Then there was my stupid job. The job where if I don’t work, I don’t get paid - God love commissioned sales. Did I want to work while Jen was in town? Hell, no. She took two straight weeks off for me while I was in Australia, so I wanted to be there for her too. The trouble was, the pressure of being off work negated some of the fun for me and just caused extra stress. Fun.

Do you know how much time it takes to get one family pulled together in the morning? I don’t even think I realized it until Jen was there. I had a five month old to feed, a nine year old to get ready, and I’m trying to balance everything… Jen seemed to be ready for the day in about 6 minutes (jealous!) and then was bored out of her mind waiting for my circus to stop running in circles so we could go. At her house we were out the door by 8:30a - at mine we were lucky to go anywhere by 10a!

The thing that embarrasses me the most is how much she ended up playing “nanny” to Ryan. It’s like I couldn’t ever quite pull it together - there seemed to be endless things to do - even while she was there! I cringe every time I think about how many times she said, “Hey, I’ll watch him,” so I could run around doing something else. Is that any way to visit the U.S. for the first time? Sitting around in a suburban house in StL babysitting?

I love St. Louis. I really do. It’s just ingrained in me. Every time I went away on business in my old job, it just wasn’t quite St. Louis, and I couldn’t wait to be back. I love the history and the neighborhoods and the buildings downtown and the little eateries in our own backyard. I think, though, I didn’t really realize the “smallness” of it all until Jen came to visit, and I tried looking at it through her eyes.

Maybe you just have to be entranced by “charming” places to enjoy it. And I’m sure Jen enjoyed some of it - don’t get me wrong. But St. Louis isn’t glamorous by any stretch. It’s more just “home” to me. I kept wanting to show her St. Louis through my eyes, but I started to get the feeling that I’m really just a true St. Louis nerd, and that St. Louis - although not the “armpit” of the midwest as some say - was more of an acquired taste.

I was SO glad when she enjoyed New York City so much. I think NYC is much, much more like Melbourne, AU. More cosmopolitan and multicultural, hectic and varied. Once she came back from there and I heard her stories, I felt so guilty that I couldn’t take her to more interesting places.

But then, the piece de resistance! Our trip to New Orleans. By the time we managed to hit Louisiana, I was on just dribbles of my medicine, and I didn’t realize how much it helped with nerves and panicky-ness. Yeah, til we landed! Once we arrived I wanted to go home. I was hot and sticky, tired and frustrated, and my nerves were stretched tight due to lack of my stupid medication. I wish I could go back to that time and do it differently!

I couldn’t relax at our hotel. I was basically a putz. We did lots of touristy things, though, like become French Quarter rats, have dinner at Pat O’Briens, and tour the Garden District (which was amazing). We also managed to get out of there four days before Hurricane Katrina hit, which was a total blessing. But did I make it very fun for her? Hell no.

Grrr…. It just bugs me every time I think of it. I wanted Jen’s trip to the U.S. to be so … enchanting. Wonderful. Just like my trip to Australia. But. I couldn’t seem to make it as wonderful as it could have been.

I miss Jen so much. It was so fun to have her here, and I enjoyed that to death. If I could do it all over again, though, we’d travel to more places and visit more cities and get away from StL and the permanent chaos I live in!

Still all guilty,
michelle