I’ve been meaning to write for about six months now. The problem is, I can’t.

I read a book called 45 Things that Drive Your Boss Crazy. One of them included blogging about your job. Ironically, I read that book because my job is driving me crazy. Not necessarily the work, but all the corporate bullshit that I never realized really existed. Yet if I discuss it here, I risk my career. So I sit, stewing, enjoying the firm I work for, despising my work life, and being unable to talk about it without looking over my shoulder every minute out of fear. I have enough to fear at work without adding to it. Mostly myself.

I will say, though, that the corporate world is not a place where personality-”blessed,” opinionated people thrive. I’ve had work experience, don’t get me wrong. During high school I worked for a summer at Dun and Bradstreet - that’s corporate. But my first professional position out of college was with a small computer rental company. The company and I “grew up” together - 17 office people and 10 technical people turned into a company of over 100 employees in seven years. My boss was fabulous, and was a cross between a father and a mentor.

Oh, my boss at that job. He was amazing. If he yelled (and was wrong), he apologized. (He didn’t yell often.) If I screwed up, he forgave me with a stern look and always had bit of praise the next time I did things the right way. He cared and wasn’t afraid to show it. And his employees would have followed him into battle - unprotected.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with my boss. I’m just saying that my boss at the computer company was fabulous - more like a father than a boss - and I got used to him taking me under his wing and mentoring me. It was also nice that I got in a the “ground floor” of the company when it was poised for massive growth. I took my sales area from zero in sales to $2 million in two years with his wisdom and unfailing assistance. My boss now is exactly what the corporate culture demands, which I don’t mean in a derogatory way. I mean, she knows how to do what the corporate culture wants and needs, and she does it well. I don’t work for a small, growing company anymore. My old company was an ice chip compared to the glacier of a firm I work for now. My boss is gifted with the ability to fit into that culture and grow. I just don’t think that I really can do that.

To that end, I made a huge sacrifice when I gave up my office and moved into our headquarters. I knew at the time I was giving up a lot: the ability to set my own hours, get paid for how hard I worked, and be my own boss. I didn’t realize, though, how much I was used to being in charge - being the final word. I’ve never experienced an environment where an idea for change had to be introduced up a departmental ladder. I’ve just decided on a change, discussed it with whomever was closest at hand, and then implemented it. That is definitely not the way things work in the corporate culture.

I’ve had such a difficult time fitting in, as a matter of fact, that I regularly consider leaving and moving to a smaller company where I don’t waste my energy trying to push glaciers. The question is whether I start my own, or just look for a better fit with my personality. I’m straight-forward and opinionated. This is a terrible personality for the corporate life.

I just want to make a difference. I dream about expanding my responsibilities, moving up and being able to effect positive changes and growth. It’s difficult to continue to dream like that when very few people in important places see my contribution to the firm as a positive one. I suppose it’s naivete that keeps me surprised - shocked - when I’m told in round-about ways that my contributions are perceived as not all I thought they might be. Or even less.

So, I sit and struggle silently and smile at everyone around me and try to water myself down and quiet my opinions and just do what I’m told and shut up about it. This powderkeg has led to my gaining weight, an increase in my depression, and an all-around frustration that can only come pouring out at home - all over my family. Ironically, the fatter and more depressed I get, the more frustrated I get, and it’s not fair to my family that any of this is happening.

Should I just find another job? That would seem like the obvious choice. The problem is that I love the firm I work for. I probably shouldn’t have left my office. I should probably have not moved to the department I chose. I should have moved to a department that appreciated the six years I put into the firm out in the field, instead of one where it’s a constant struggle to pretend I have no history with the firm and was never a broker prior to my work at the home office. I don’t know why it is that way, but it is. I have a feeling, actually, that it may be that way through the entire home office. Ironically enough, I lost all respect from my fellow brokers when I left the field and moved into the home office. Either way, though, I can’t do anything about it until I’ve been in my current position for a year. Then maybe I’ll make some definite decisions.

I have also become increasingly frustrated at home, but I can’t really expand on that here either. When family checks in, the last thing they need to see is a diatribe on my familial and marital frustrations. Just how much do you want your extended family and in-laws to know you want to cry because your husband pays no attention anymore? I mean, it’s rather limiting. So I sit in silence. Again.

They fact that the negative things in my life can’t be spread all over these pages as they were in the past may not be that bad of a thing, though. The more I think about it, the more I think I need an outlet for all the positive things as well. My children are my heart, and are the sunshine in my day. There are enjoyable, interesting aspects to my life that I’ve just about forgotten in the muck and mire of my work life and married life. I need to remember the good things, and keep them in the forefront so I don’t get lost in that muck. I miss keeping a record of the beauty of life. Perhaps I’ll try to focus on that again.

Quiet but hopeful,
michelle