March 14, 2004

The Little Things

It was such a beautiful weekend that normally it would be hard to pick out notable moments. However, there were a few today that really blew my mind.

I've been feeling sharp pangs of doubt lately over my decision to marry Stephen. It's not that I don't want to. It's more that I'm finally experiencing what Doug and I had talked about at length in the past - my fear of any man who would love me enough to want to be with me.

Healthy relationships are not my forté. I am used to relationships where I feel like I can't live without him. Relationships where I only feel 'alive' when I'm with him ... and every moment in between has me feeling dead inside. I'm used to relationships where I'm out of 'control' and that is simultaneously frustrating and arousing. I'm used to unhealthy relationships.

Because of this, I asked Stephen to attend couples counseling with me. He graciously agreed - not because he felt we needed it, but because it was important to me. Yesterday we saw Doug together. It was funny when he asked what he could do for the two of us. I responded that I had no idea, but I'd always promised myself I'd go to couples counseling when I thought I'd met the man I was going to marry.

Honestly, though (and I told them both this) I've been wondering lately if this is 'the real thing.' What, in fact, is love? Is it that mind-numbing, drama-laden relationship thing I'm so used to? Or is it more (or less) than that? I admitted I've not been feeling 'dead' when Stephen's in Rolla, although I do miss his presence. I've been able to work, live, eat and sleep. I've still been a mom, a friend, a daughter, a boss. And I'm scared that Stephen isn't 'it' because of it.

I'm hoping this sounds bizarre to people who have (or recognize) healthy relationships. I'm hoping that most people will read this and think, what in the hell is she even talking about? Because it's so real to me, that I think I'm completely insane.

After spending three years walking me through some serious shit, I knew Doug would understand where I was coming from. Lucky for me, though, he didn't purport to know what healthy and unhealthy look like. He didn't pronounce us one way or the other. He said he'd be happy to help us identify areas where we would struggle, and help us walk through them. (And he started in on it right away, as a matter of fact.)

I left there not feeling validated or invalidated. Instead I just felt like things were on the right track, and that - just as I'd figured - my fears were coming from old baggage and a lack of experience with normal, healthy relationships.

Justin was in a pretty bad place today. He was crying at the least little thing, which is not really his style. I berated his father for it, because usually Dan lets him stay up til midnight on the weekends, which puts my child in an exhausted frame of mind for Sunday. This time, however, Dan swore up and down that Justin went to bed at 10p last night and got a good night's sleep.

Stephen, Justin and I drove around looking at houses and munching on a good old fashioned lunch (McD's). It was fun, until Justin finished his food and decided he was bored. After listening to as much whining as I could take, I gave up and we headed home. As we were driving, Justin decided he wanted to lay down on the back seat and take a nap.

We pulled over and prepared the back seat for this momentous occasion. The Saturn isn't equipped with a bench seat in the back; it's more like two bucket seats with cup-holders in between. We used every available piece of clothing to cushion the cup-holders and give Justin a pillow to rest on. After he was pretty much settled, we started driving home.

Unfortunately the sun was in his eyes while we were on the highway. He complained a couple of times, but we didn't have anything to shade the window. All of the sudden, I noticed we were driving right next to an 18-wheeler, which was effectively blocking the sun from Justin's face. Then I noticed it wasn't just a stroke of good luck - Stephen was pacing the truck so we stayed in its shade. Miles and miles we drove next to that truck, at a ridiculously slow pace (to me), and Stephen never said anything about it or batted an eyelash. I just watched him from my seat and smiled.

My poor kiddo is used to having something to snuggle with while he sleeps. He still snuggles with two blankies that he used to sleep with as an infant. He also has a myriad of stuffed animals in his bed at all times. Unfortunately, we didn't have any blankies or buddies in the car, and he was missing them. A lot. He whined that he didn't have anything to snuggle with, and then he started to cry. My heart broke (as always) and I looked around for something to give him that he could snuggle with. ("Anything, Mom," came the pitiful cry from the back.)

At the next stoplight, Stephen pulled up the handbrake, and took his shirt off. He was wearing a button-down shirt over a cotton t-shirt, and he pulled the cotton t-shirt off. I gave it to Justin, who grabbed it with both hands and whimpered, "thank you" to Stephen. He said, "You're welcome," in a quiet voice and pulled his other shirt back on.

We were only about eight minutes from home at this point.

The big excitement in the late afternoon was that Stephen had agreed to take Justin to the park next to our house. The deal was that I'd go to Target and Stephen would watch Justin. I could live with that.

I stopped into my bedroom to get something, and was drawn to the window. As I stood watching, the guys decided to hop the fence and walk up to the park instead of play on the swings in our yard.

My heart bounced all over the place as I watched the backs of the two men I adore as they walked up the path to the park. It's as if everything in my wild heart fell into place, and I knew I'd found home.

Questions to answers,
michelle

Posted by Michelle at March 14, 2004 12:23 AM | TrackBack

Comments

It sounds to me like you've got a keeper!

When Jim and I decided to get married, I took him to meet my therapist as well. We also went through fairly strenuous premarital counseling through our church and early in our marriage took a couples communication course also offered through our marriage. Additionally, we found a couple at our church who had been married forever and ask them to mentor us. I'm not going to go into all of my issues with men and relationships in a little comment box, but I do think you are on the right track...

Blessings...

Posted by: Laura Nee at March 15, 2004 06:31 AM

Beautiful....beautiful.....
I too am going thru the same situation..it's so good...so healthy.....I question it....but I do know this is it..this is my man..the one I've been waiting for.....my love.... I feel for those who don't experience that. Be happy!! :)

Posted by: Christy at March 15, 2004 11:36 AM

I've definitely done the drama-rollercoaster-o'-love thing, too. It can be exhilirating, but in the long term, the lows outnumber and outweigh the highs.

I don't believe there's any "one" right person for anyone else, but that there is a continuum of compatibility between each person and his/her pool of dating candidates.

It sounds like Stephen meets a lot of your needs and that he is a kind, thoughtful, and mature person, as well. All of that, plus the ever-elusive "chemistry" plus the willingness to communicate with you *and* your therapist sounds like a winning combination to me!

Posted by: Serratia at March 16, 2004 09:31 PM

Hello...relatively new reader here, found you on the d-x boards. :)

I'm very happy for you and Stephen's relationship. I obviously don't know you well and can't make sweeping generalizations that would apply perfectly to you, but I think that what you're feeling is normal and good, especially since you say you're able to function when he's not around, you just miss him. Before my husband and I got married (nine months ago), I worried that because I didn't feel like I desperately need to be with him him, that I shouldn't be marrying him. But I knew that I loved him, and I knew that he was the best friend that I never wanted to lose. Marriage was an easy and natural transition for us, because we were so comfortable together. It sounds to me like you're pretty comfortable with Stephen. Couples counseling, pre-marital counseling, whatever you want to call it - it's a very good thing. Anything at all that you do to build a strong foundation of communication, trust, understanding and sacrifice in your relationship is a good thing. :)

Posted by: lisa at March 17, 2004 01:55 PM

Wow- great entry- great story. He sounds like a wonderful guy.

Posted by: Kristen at March 18, 2004 09:56 AM

Oh my God! He LOVES your child. That man is a keeper. Enjoy him! I am happy for you and for Justin.

Posted by: Patt at March 18, 2004 07:45 PM

i read your entry n stephen's marriage proposal n it brighten up my day. really it did. congratulations. life doesn't get better than that does it?

Posted by: ade at March 20, 2004 09:50 PM

OMG That is great! I am so happy for you. Although I don't know you. That is great that he loves you and loves your kid. Not many guys are like that, believe me I know. I have actually just found a guy that I want to stay with for awhile, and I really hope me and him can work out.. God how do I ever.. Well keep me updated...

*Mwah*
Lyndsea

Posted by: Lyndsea at March 20, 2004 09:58 PM

the marriage proposal was a beautiful thing and I wish you both all the happiness in the world. Congrats!

Posted by: Con at March 20, 2004 10:48 PM

I agree with the comments above. He sounds like a great guy. The marriage proposal was sweet. Best wishes to both of you. And Justin.

Posted by: Shawn at March 20, 2004 11:31 PM

no need to spoil the fun, but how'd the proposal go?

Posted by: anonymous at March 21, 2004 12:10 AM

sweetheart, warn your man not to go around blocking people's journals with marriage proposals...That was so sweet of him and I can't say how much your entry has touched me. i hope you guys get married and settle down to marital bliss. here's to michelle deken!. :)

I don't know you, but I saw the proposal your man wrote and I just had to...take care and greet your son.

Posted by: janoulle at March 21, 2004 01:39 AM

proposing on diary-x.. haha. i'm just another user of diary-x who happened to pass by the entry where stephen proposed to you. reading it, i was really touched. so envious of you having such a wonderful boyfriend like stephen. i was wondering if my boyfriend would be like stephen? haha. well, my last word. really wish you and stephen happiness. congrats and god bless!

Posted by: levi at March 21, 2004 02:08 AM

i saw stephen's proposal and i thought that it was so sweet of him .. hahas.. man .. he loves your son .. there's only one thing i have to say girl .. MARRY HIM .. and stephen ? you rawk

Posted by: shaun at March 21, 2004 05:03 AM

Congratulations to the two of you....what a sweet proposal....grab him girl, if you are prepared to work to make each other happy you will have a wonderful life!

Posted by: Annie from the UK at March 21, 2004 05:14 AM

I, too, saw Stephen's proposal yesterday, and I hope you said YES! What a sweet man. I've been married almost 24 years; we've been through good and bad, and wonderful and awful, and it's all worth it. The love is worth it.

Posted by: Bozoette Mary at March 21, 2004 10:10 AM

Wow! As a professional storyteller I could of not told a better story than this one played out on my 17" computer monitor. After my blog was jumped by Stephan, I was so excited to read this story of love right before my eyes. There is a great life to live ahead of yourselves.

Remember like any good story: know and play the parts well; love your cast and crew infinitately, remember "they got your back!"; it's all about relationships even in the pauses of the story; and most importantly - always live in the total presence with each other - in the moment - not the past and future.

Many blessings on your new family...
Baruch atah adonai eloheinu melech ha'olam shecheyanu v'kiy'manu v'higyanu lazman hazeh.

L'Chaim - To life!

Posted by: Ed Reggi at March 21, 2004 11:19 AM

Now you have me in tears. That was so heartwarming to read. My daughter is in the testing process for possible PDD- I know the tantrums, whining and emotional roller coaster all too well and it is such a godsend to have patient, understanding people around you for support. Stephen sounds like he is so caring and kind with Justin. Definitely a keeper. :-)

Posted by: Michelle at March 21, 2004 11:39 PM

munching on a good old fashioned lunch (McD's)???????? are you making this up??? because i for one have never thought of McD's as anything close to good or old fashioned... desperate for a feed with not too much money to pay would be a better description....

I wish you luck with your relationship... I'm not sure you are fully ready though... You say opposing things about him all the time... like he's the one for you and then you are doubting the love in the next paragraph.... Maybe this is normal doubt, I know whenever I make a decision the opposing voice makes a strong presence in my head... it's up to me to make either of them go away... So I guess after writing this I've come to think you ought to make a decision as to whether you are ready for a relationship or not... from what you have said he seems like a great guy to start one with... but if you are still not ready, pls ask yourself why... maybe you don't need one, maybe you do but can't commit because of previous traumas... either way can you let me know what you decide and if you need to talk, even though you don't know me, I am here.. best regards... Linda

Posted by: Linda at March 22, 2004 02:52 AM

*looks at other responses* So, maybe the slight sarcasm of calling McDonald's a good old fashioned lunch wouldn't be so apparent to a person with a lot on their mind, but I doubt you'll worry about details like that.

What I can say is that I'm SO incredibly happy for you, Stephen, and Justin. Through your story and his, it's all so evident that both of you love each other deeply, and this is a great step in the story of your lives. *hugs* Congratulations. :)

Posted by: lisa at March 22, 2004 04:08 AM
Search